No. 93: A great night in London

For the past 30 years my mother, an English teacher, has striven to instil some culture into my rather boorish and unsophisticated existence by exposing me to works of art, music and literature. Her approach has been to select compositions that would not normally cross the desk of a scientist-cum-engineer such as myself. My Christmas stocking invariably includes a weighty tome from an author who has won a recent worthy yet obscure literary award. I diligently wade my way through it. It feels a bit like eating porridge. I know it’s good for me but boy is it hard work.

As part of this drive to make me a more rounded and culturally diverse person, last night my parents took my wife and I to the theatre to see Arthur Millers ‘A View from the Bridge’ – a work of which I had never heard. Prior to last night I knew two facts about Arthur Miller: he was briefly married to Marylyn Monroe and he wrote On the Waterfront, the terrific Marlon Brando film. In preparation for the show I read a synopsis of the play and learnt that A View from the Bridge is ‘a dramatic tale of angst and family-crisis set in 1950s New York involving themes of incest and homophobia’. What is not to like?

Clearly it was going to be a long night. As we settled into our seats my father leant over and conspiratorially whispered that I should wake him if he starts snoring too loudly.

However what then followed was arguably the most electrifying and mesmerising 2 hours I have ever spent in a theatre. It was absolutely spectacular. I cannot recommend this highly enough. It was funny, tragic, absorbing, with twists that you just didn’t see coming…or I didn’t at least. The lead actor, Mark Strong (best known for his role as a baddie in the films of Sherlock Holmes, Robin Hood and John Carter) was supported by a cast that literally fizzed with energy and passion.

If you are looking for a good night out in London then this has to be it.

(special tip: ask for a seat on the stage and you will have not just the best seats in the house, but probably the best theatre seats in London!)

No. 92: Things I learnt at the GLA Green Means Business roundtable event….

£1,000,000,000,000 is required to solve the climate change challenge. Fortunately this is also the amount of money that is currently sitting in (UK?) bank accounts earning little or no interest. The ever-brilliant Julia Groves, CEO for the Trillion Fund (guess where they got the name from?) believes that crowd funding ‘green projects’ is the best way to unblock the infrastructure investment pipeline. I think she is onto something.

Californians use 40% less energy than most Americans due at least in part to policy changes implemented by Mr Swartznegger. I particularly liked the proposal to add a small amount (c$1) to everyone’s energy bill and then use the $400m created to buy people old, inefficient white goods (eg fridges) so they could replace them with more efficient new ones.

UK CEOs for green start-up companies demand higher salaries than US CEOs, but they don’t ask for much equity. This would suggest that they dont believe that the equity is worth anything. Sounds to me like it’s time to get some new CEOs.

‘Disintermediation’ is a real word. It was used to describe how many funding for green infrastructure projects is moving from institutional investors (such as my good self) towards crowd funders. I am not sure I agree, but I am going to use the word ‘disintermediation’ to make people think I am cleverer than I really am.

I am acutely aware of the hypocrisy of me blathering on about the benefits of being green whilst at the same time flying around the world. In my (admittedly rather weak) defence, a number of the deals I am working on will have a tangible and potentially massive positive impact on carbon. I just need to get them over the line…

I still intend to get my entry ticket to Carbon Heaven. My deficit will be paid.

No. 91: Charity events in Las Vegas are a bit different…

I attended two water charity events last week. The first (see Note 90) was in the UK for Thames Water. The second was in Las Vegas last night. ‘Unique’ is probably the best word to describe it.

By the time I had got through customs it was already 8pm local time (3am body time). The ‘One Night, One Drop’ event that I was attending had begun at 5pm with an auction which, with hindsight, I am supremely glad I missed. Apparently people were spending big (buying 3 nights on a Hawaiian island for $100k, or a bracelet for $50k). That is just outside my budget.

I arrived at the Bellagio at 830pm, having only just missed the beginning of the main event; a Cirque du Soleil show in true Las Vegas style. It was 2 hours of human beings do stuff that no human being should be able to do (most of it on trapezes, trampolines, ropes, with fire, etc.).

Whilst this was all good fun, it was the VIP After Party by the pool where things really kicked off. I have never been to an event like it. The rich and beautiful of the world were gathered to be…well, rich and beautiful, but everyone was having fun and raising money for charity. The dwarf and pregnant lady, both dressed in bondage gear, locked in a cage by the pool was a bit of a surprise. As were the naked ladies with clothing (lingerie actually) painted on them.  That was nothing compared to the fat transvestite on a plastic elephant.

There were celebrities galore (Jane Seymore, looking absolutely stunning at 60+) and when all the Cirque du Soleil artists joined at midnight the intensity of dancing soared to new heights. You couldn’t help but be whisked along with it. John Legend sang a couple of songs, and then there were the winners of France’s Got Talent (a truly bizarre burlesque James Bond). For me the highlight was when the Plain White Ts got onto the floating stage and bellowed out their hits. The whole hotel throbbed as we all sang ‘Hey there Delilah, what’s it like in New York City…’ at the top of our voices. I even got to chat briefly with the lead singer as he circled the party later. They are officially my new favourite band.  

The party finally came to an end at 2am. By then my body was telling me it was 9am Sat morning so bed seemed a bad idea. Thierry Noel, my good friend from Amane Advisory, was also at the event and was similarly jet lagged so we decided to explore the casinos. We were both Las Vegas Casino Virgins and this became fairly obvious as the night progressed. He rapidly lost $20 on the slot machine, whereas I made $40 just as quickly and with just as little skill. It’s a ridiculous game. We then spent an hour on the black jack table. I wont share how I did, suffice to say that it was ugly. You know it is bad when the Dealer keeps asking you (in an increasingly patronising tone) if you really want to place that particular bet. Thierry came away a lot richer than he was when he sat down.

We watched people playing Craps for a long time but it was beyond our befuddled brains. Bed finally beckoned at 4am. As I checked in at the Venetian the lady told me to ‘be careful with the minibar’ as it charges by weight. If you lift a bottle then you have to take it. Only in Las Vegas.  

The whole thing was, quite clearly, completely bonkers, but $6m was raised. That’s quite an achievement for one night. I just  can’t quite see it happening anywhere else in the world.

No. 90: Just call me Tony…. or Jonah

Last night I attended the Thames Water ‘Big Fat Cheesy Quiz’. This is one of the highlights in the annual calendar of charity events at Thames and last night was particularly special as it marked the official end of the 4 year campaign to raise £2m for WaterAid in Bangladesh. I was in Thames when this campaign was kicked off and remember thinking that achieving that eye-watering target was going to be very tough. The night was hosted by (Head of Legal) Bill Blackburn and (Head of Retail) Andrew Reaney. As they burst onto the stage singing Show Me The Way to Amerilo I knew it was going to be a great night.  

Like all good Cheesy Quiz events there was a theme to the proceedings. Last night it was the 1970s. Most teams had someone in an afro wig or a spangly dress, or a flowery shirt, or flaired trousers. Indeed, all and every fashion crime from my early childhood was being relived. For my part I had visited my local fancy dress shop and procured a ‘Tony from Saturday Night Fever’ outfit, complete with a thick black wig.

I was there at the request of my former boss, Martin Baggs, CEO for Thames. There were 38 teams competing but for my former Thames Exec colleagues there was only one competitor: the other Exec team! You see, for the past 5 years whenever there has been any opportunity for a competition the Exec team has quickly split into two teams. The teams have always stayed the same and one of those teams (somewhat suspiciously it is always Martin’s team) has consistently won while the other has always come second.

Martin had invited me to join his team as their secret weapon. His plan was that I would help ensure victory once again. I can only assume that he had forgotten that I have never once been on the winning Exec team. My 'Tony' was either going to bring a bit of 70s glam to the team, or I was going to be the Jonah that would sink them. 

We started well, gaining an extra 10 points for our fancy dress and at half time we were in the lead. However Bill Blackburn, for whom the power of being Compere had clearly gone to his head, auctioned our 10 point lead to the highest bidder at half time. By the end of the night we were not only horribly mid-field but it looked like we were going to finish behind the other Exec team. It looks like I was a Jonah after all. 

That said, the evening ended on a high. The total amount raised by Thames and its contractors for WaterAid over the past 4 years has been a truly mind-blowing £2,150,000. For that sort of money I dont mind being on the losing team.

No. 89: Good, Bad, Ugly: Things I learn't this week

Good: There are bacteria which can clean up the tailings from gold mines. They concentrate the gold inside their cells. These bacteria can then be harvested (at least in theory) for economic benefit. This is so cool. If I was a young man about to get married then that’s the source of the gold I would want the future Mrs Clark to wear. She would feel so special.

Bad: Copper mines are usually in areas where water is scarce. Irrespective of this, the copper is extracted by squirting acidic water at the mine face and dissolving the metal. This seems like madness to me (but what do I know).  The copper is then extracted from this ‘Pregnant’ leach solution, until it is Barren (these are the terms used). This barren solution is sometimes re-squirted at the mine face, and when this happens it is called a Lixiviant, which sounds more like a Dr Who baddie or an STD to me. Best not to get me started on the Technologically Enhanced Radiation levels in the Lixiviant…., suffice to say it is BAD.

Ugly: Bras-Chem is not, sadly, a business selling new form of ladies underwear. It is the name of a Brazilian company that takes waste from the ethanol industry and turns it into bioplastic. They are the biggest bioplastic producer in the world. I have a dream that wastewater utilities will one day copy this model. With some clever fermentation we can turn sewage sludge into volatile fatty acids (VFAs), and then VFAs to PHAs, and PHAs to bioplastics. One day Mrs Jones will be able to bring her groceries home from the supermarket in a bag that has been made out of her own faeces.


The facts above come from the (ever brilliant) Amane Consulting. The miss-interpretation and miss-quoting is all my own work.

No. 88: The problem with cycling to work…

Those of you who read Notes no 87 will be aware that today was Day 2 of World Water Tech. Whereas yesterday I stood in to cover Fiona’s chairperson duties, today I was an official chair-people in my own right. I had the mid-morning session, just before coffee. You know the session;  it’s the one that starts after the audience has already been sitting for 90 minutes and they are tired and restless and need a caffeine hit. They are not the best audience to engage on a panel debate about Industrial Water.   

As I cycled into work this morning I was wondering how best I could spice up this difficult slot. I decided that rather than the traditional speaker introductions (where each speaker drones on for a few minutes citing the exciting parts of their cv) we would take a completely new approach and play a game. My three panellists (Lydia Whyatt - Resonance, Michael Avant Smith - Nu Water, Liam Curran – Enterprise Ireland) had no idea that this was going to happen but fortunately they all played along perfectly. They are such good sports. 

Each panellist was given a choice of two questions to answer. The question they chose not to answer then had to be answered by the next panellist (which meant they had a few extra precious seconds to think of an answer). My questions, devised on my bike this morning, were as follows:

• Where did you go on holiday last year OR what is your favourite hobby and why?
• What is your middle name OR what are the names of your pets?
• Tell us a secret, OR share your earliest memory?
• Who would play you in the movie of your life OR who are your three dream dinner guests?
• What is the colour of your underwear OR what is your favourite smell?
• What is your biggest achievement OR what is your biggest mistake?

It was a bit unconventional but I feel confident the audience gained a deeper insight into their panellists. The TV rights for the above game are pending. I claim full copyright. 

The problem with cycling to work is you get too long to think of things like this. Something tells me I may not be asked to chair at a WWT event for some time.  Tomorrow I will catch the train. 

The answers? Arizona on a dude ranch holiday, skiing, Gerard, A Setter called Duncan, fell off a boat when young, snow, kate blanchet, nelson mandela/the members of this panel, grey (???!!), the sea, accepting to come on this panel (my greatest achievement) and accepting to come on this panel (my worst mistake). Oh how we laughed. 

No. 87: Three things I learnt from Day 1 of the World Water Tech summit in London

1. Chairing is easy if some else has already done the hard work: Fiona Griffith was due to Chair the afternoon session on Smart Water. However she rang me first thing this morning sounding close to death (food poisoning does that) and asking if I could step in. Since she had already done all the hard work (preparing questions, briefing the panellists) I was absolutely delighted to step in and take the credit for her hard work.
   
   It was particularly neat how one of the panellists arrived late and walked casually, calmly, with an air of nonchalance onto the stage just as I was finishing the introductions. His excuse fitted perfectly with the topic: he had used smart technology (his iphone) to ensure he arrived on time yet had not factored getting onto a tube train going in the wrong direction.
   
   No matter how smart you make things, nothing can beat that human ability to get it wrong.
   
2. Attention to detail matters: One of my fellow conference attendees admitted at morning coffee that they had spent the last 2 hours sitting in the wrong conference. I didn’t know whether to laugh at them, or laugh with them, or just beat them senseless (to put them out of their misery).
   
   Admittedly it was a pretty big venue and we were in the downstairs conference suite while the world experts on solar technology were having their annual pow-wow upstairs. But there were signs. Pretty big ones too. And to spend 2 hours in the wrong conference…. That’s special.
   
3. Fathom is the Apple of the water industry: I love Fathom. To be fair, I have done ever since I first saw it 3 years ago. It is a fantastic platform for managing and presenting data from water meters to both customers and utility companies alike. They now have a few million water meters using their technology, with many tens of millions more just around the corner. It is a breakthrough technology and I love it.
   
   However, the bit that excited me today was when they shared that they now let other tech companies use their platform to ‘do smart things with water meter data’. Just as Apple lets Developers create Apps that utilise the Apple infrastructure so Fathom are encouraging other tech companies to ‘ride’ upon the platform that they have established. This is a truly radical move and will provide a breakthrough in the rate at which smart technologies are launched and greatly increase their chances of success. It is an inspired move. I am in awe.

Tomorrow it is Day 2. I hope it is going it be as much fun as today.

No. 86: I am 45 and I am still learning

Having been the Commercial Director for Thames Water I like to think I know how to negotiate. I believe I am pretty good at bringing conflicting parties together around a common goal. After all, a good negotiation is one where both sides give a little, where compromise triumphs, where that elusive win-win is secured.  

Apparently not always.

Yesterday we reached a fairly crucial stage in a negotiation over the multi-tens-of-millions $ deal that has sucked up much of my life for the past 3 months. So important was this deal that we flew in our lead negotiator. Rather than share the precise details I will use a fictional example (but perhaps not as wildly fictional as you might think).

As part of the negotiation we wanted the other side to do something, namely to sing the National Anthem whilst sucking on 5 gobstoppers. In my make-believe fantasy world this is a common requirement in many private equity deals since it serves to both humiliate and amuse, whilst providing a nice bit of nationalistic dignity. Not surprisingly, the ‘other side’ came to the negotiation with a raft of good reasons as to why they thought this was an unreasonable request. They proposed a compromise: they would sing the National Anthem, but with only three gobstoppers. They outlined their reasons. We then countered, explaining why 5 gobstoppers was important to us. They then counter-countered reiterating their 3 gobstopper argument.

At this stage in a normal negotiation the next step is obvious: we would settle on the compromise of 4 gobstoppers.

That was not how it played out yesterday. To my surprise our counter-counter-countering was to raise the stakes and propose that they sang with seven gobstoppers. For a brief moment I thought I was in a scene from a Hollywood movie (think ‘Wall Street’!). The tactic took the other side as much by surprise as it did me and they have gone away to think about their next move.

I thought I knew how to negotiate. I know nothing. I am a Padawan.

Finally, for those of you who read my last Note please find the link to a 90 second clip of me being tormented by a scary Turkish man with knives. I had forgotten they had made me where a big wig as well. What little dignity I had left me that night:  https://www.dropbox.com/sc/ibllwvozjbwguqr/AAAnkCRCmoUTQWpiPOrDwi-Da

(CP, this one is for you ;)