No. 58: If you are doing the opening speech at a conference….

Today I had the honour of giving the opening speech at the Water Industry Supplier Conference in Birmingham, England. Here are a few things I wish I had known beforehand. Hindsight is a wonderful thing:

1. Timing: If you are giving the opening speech then, here’s a thought, actually be there for the opening. Turning up 45 minutes late is wrong on so many levels. On the plus side having the opening speech as the third talk of the day made for a quirky change. The organisers (WWT) were very gracious. My claim that I was late due to bad weather (it’s England, it’s late November, why was I surprised?) and congested traffic was suitably pathetic. I really should have known better.
   
   
2. Dress Code: How you dress says a lot about you. A few weeks ago I bought some new shoes. They came with (trendy, eye catching) purple laces, which I have been meaning to change. On various occasions I have noted people clocking my purple laces, purple shirt and purple ties and (incorrectly) concluding that I am the sort of man who carefully coordinates his clothing ensemble every morning. I don’t. And I am just a little offended that people think I might be. However this pales into insignificance when compared with the looks I got today from people who spotted my purple laces and how they clashed dramatically with the bright pink shirt I happened to be wearing. Today people were thinking that I am the sort of man who carefully plans his clothing ensemble…and gets it drastically wrong. It was not a good feeling.
   
   
3. Content: My talk was titled ‘Survival of the Fittest: Lessons learnt from the history of the water industry’. Even if I say so myself, it was a great topic. I had enormous fun researching it and was keen to share my findings. I had about 120 fascinating facts and anecdotes. 25 minutes was not nearly long enough to do them justice. As we neared my cut off point I had to be brutal with which stories I could tell and which I needed to abandon. Fortunately I shared a few of my favourites: for example, the fact that in Joseph Browne’s 1707 book he stated that cold baths could ‘cure scrofula, rickets, weakness of Erection and general disorder of the Codpiece Economy’. (I am not even sure what the ‘codpiece economy’ is, but its cold baths for me from now on!). Or the fact that the monks at Canterbury managed to evade the Black Death in 1348. It was initially thought they achieved this because of the power of prayer, which may well have been the case. The 5 primitive settling points and sand filters installed at the monastery probably also helped.

Despite the above, it was a great conference. Networking with likeminded, capable, passionate people is always good fun. Next year I might even turn up on time…

No. 57: What do Hawaiians wear in Antarctica?

It's one of the great questions that anthropologists have struggled with for decades. I am pleased to report that, thanks to Cristina Ahmadpour (Isle's newest recruit in the US) we now have an answer.

Cristina has the truly enviable task of living in both California and Hawaii. What a chore it must be for her, bouncing between these two regions. All that sun, surf, sand, bronzed bodies. It must be sooo hard. However don't feel too envious. All is not perfect for her. Her fiancé, the fantastically named Jarred Roberts (surely the name of an action hero) has left her for 3 months. He has gone to Antarctica as part of an scientific expedition (that’s just the sort of thing heroes do). Aside from the testing of expensive intricate technical equipment they are also charged with answering the challenging question: what does a Hawaiian wear in Antarctica?

The results are in. See attached photo. Jarred is the second guy from the right (even looks like a hero). The guy on the left, in shorts, is from Hawaii.

The best thing about Jarred being away is this means Cristina can now devote every minute of every waking hour to the Isle cause. No excuses Ahmadpour. Get to work. I feel a warm glow inside.

Bet Jarred doesn’t.

(for those of you who are interested in learning more there is a really well written blog on this experiment at http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/expeditions/2014/10/29/neutrinos-on-ice-detection-balloon-heads-to-antarctica/)

No. 56: Goin’ Home!

After 46 meetings in 11 different cities across 6 different countries I am finally heading home.

To those of you who have followed these Notes over the past 2 weeks: Thank You. I know they have been a bit more frequent and full-on than usual. Those who know me well will understand that the increased frequency has been because I am not good at being on my own.

Like most Bright Yellows spending too long in my own company is not good. I need to dilute down the crazy. These Notes are my release.

Normal service will be resumed next week. Have a great weekend.

No. 55: Japanese Karaoke

Yesterday was a long day. Following my night with the East Gipps folk I was up at 530am so I could be back in Melbourne for a breakfast meeting. I then had  back to back meetings all day. Purely by chance, the latest Australian TAG meeting was also being held in Melbourne so at 5pm, having completed my GWD meetings, I headed to the Melbourne Docklands to join the Isle team and the few TAG members who had stayed on for drinks.

It had been a good TAG meeting, with some great presentations and excellent debate. We had three guests (Yang Villa, Reginald Bautista and Dora ‘The Explora’ Gamboa) visiting from Maynilad Water/MetroPac in Manila. They were attending to see how TAG works, prior to the launch of Isle’s newest TAG forum in the Philippines in Feb 15. This being my first meeting with Maynilad Water we decided to go out to dinner together. A local Japanese Karaoke restaurant was booked, the evening’s entertainment was planned…

What a great night. Perhaps it was the Sake, or perhaps it was the great food, but I think it was mostly due to the company. We talked about everything and nothing. Interview techniques, the history of Isle, the history of Maynilad. Dora corrected my miss-pronunciation. ‘It is MYnilad’ she said. Unable to resist, I responded with the cheeky: ‘YOURnilad!’. At which Yang, quick as a fox, said ‘No Piers… OURnilad’. Oh how we laughed.

Discussions rapidly moved on to my Global Water Development role (someone, and I honestly can’t recall who, compared the relationship between Investment Bankers and their investee companies to that of prostitutes and pimps; this is clearly wrong and unfair….although I can’t quite work out who should be most offended - the pimps and prostitutes or the bankers?!). Suffice to say that, somewhat to my surprise, a great opportunity for GWD arose out of our discussions. We were having such fun around the table that we never got to the Karaoke room. Probably a good thing.

As I fell into bed, slightly worried about how I was going to wake in time for my red-eye flight to Adelaide in the morning, I realised my sides ached from laughing so much. It had been a good evening. Philippine TAG is going to be so much fun.

No. 54: Would you like a drink? Tea, coffee or an ice cold beer?

These are the words with which every business meeting should start. Well, every meeting after 2pm at least.

Yesterday. I had the honour of joining the board meeting for East Gippsland Water. The journey had been long and hot, the sunshine intense, the azure-blue sky distracting (How is the weather back in Blighty, by the way?). My ice cold beer was truly welcome.

I should probably point out that it was 4pm, not mid morning.

I was attending the board meeting at the invitation of the MD for East Gippsland Water, Bruce Hammond, to share my experiences, good bad and indifferent, on growing a non-regulated water business. Comparing EG with Thames Water is interesting. EG covers a bigger territory, stretching over some 400km. Thames however serves a bigger population (around 14 million). In EG it is significantly less. Put it this way,  I suspect Bruce could send all his customers a hand-written Christmas card each year, if he so desired.

Readers of these Notes from Thames Water may remember Sarah Johnson. She did a three month placement in Reading a year or so ago, whilst heavily pregnant. Sarah is the company secretary for EG and it was marvellous to see her in action in her 'proper' role, governing the board meeting, keeping everything in check. I even got to meet her gloriously beautiful daughter, who I suspect found the strange man with the odd accent mildly bewildering.

In the evening there was a dinner to which all the other local water authorities and been invited, along with the environmental and governmental regulators. It was awe inspiring to hear how these local utilities are genuinely working together in a  respectful, collegiate and truly positive manner. I gave the after dinner speech, which I confess was little more than a shameless plug for my GWD/Blackstone role (although I did manage to squeeze in anecdotes about speed-dating, raw sewage and syphalis - all of which seemed to go down surprisingly well).

East Gippsland is a 5 hour drive east of Melbourne. I am told it is one of the most beautiful parts of Australia (which is saying something). Yesterday's meeting was not actually held in East Gippsland, but was located a hotel conference suite a mere 2 hours from Melbourne. This was to simplify the logistics for all the visitors to the evening dinner.

Next time I visit this region I am going get myself to East Gippsland. Not just to see the beautiful countryside, but to meet (again) the fantastic people who live there.

No. 53: Jelly Worms

Last time I was in Australia I shared a swimming pool with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West (see earlier Note). Ok, so we weren't in the pool at the same time. Minor point.

I am back in Aus and am sharing the experience with The Rolling Stones, 4 Russian warships and the G20 world leaders. Whilst they discuss world trade, terrorism threats and global environmental issues, I am talking 'water' with anyone who will listen. 

I love Australians. They are so positive and 'can do', generous and constantly open to new ideas. Opinionated and questioning, never afraid to tell you if they think you are talking rubbish, but all done with a straight, honest, smiling frankness. It's a cultural thing that seems to flow through their whole national psyche.  

Earlier this week I tried to change one of my flights between Brisbane and Adelaide, the  two main G20 cities, so security was tighter than usual. The kindly, smily, airport staff told me I had to contact my travel agent as only they could change the ticket. It took an incredible 45 minutes on the phone to make the changes, so long in fact that I missed the flight that I had been trying to catch. 

Was I grumpy? No. It was impossible to get annoyed. The airport ticketing staff had opened a fresh huge (literally 10kg!) bag of Australian Jelly Worms and as I stood listening to the mind numbingly dire Muzak on the travel agent's telephone system we ate worms and generally putting the world to rights.

I hope the G20 folk have Australian Jelly Worms. Everyone should have Jelly Worms.

No. 52: The last 48 hours…

…have been fairly hectic, but there have been some memorable moments:

The most strategically important: Following and introduction by Nada Abubakr (Isle Pty, Australia), I met with the AMG Group. Isle is probably going to partner with them in the Middle East. They love the TAG model and understand how it could bring real change to the local utilities. They are also a potential useful source of deals for GWD/Blackstone. (Visit their web site, each page has a different quote from His Highness Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan al Nahyan. He’s a modern day Oscar W).

The most enlightening: The Abu Dhabi cab driver who expressed fervent anger towards his Muslim brothers who has been ‘gifted money by God’ and then invested it in shopping malls. He drew a clear line between those who had amassed their riches from oil, and people like himself who worked for a living. He quoted the Koran with a scripture along the lines of ‘God will give stupid people money, don’t be surprised when they fritter it away’. Aside from the obvious difference in content, the enthusiasm and passion behind his statements wouldn’t have been out of place in a London cab. It was a nice reminder of home. 

The most embarrassing: This happened whilst meeting with a potential new investee company (ie one we might invest in). Everything was going well. The CEO was enthusiastically describing his business plan and I, along with two local Blackstone colleagues, were listening intently. Along with our coffees they had brought us each our own little bowl of snacks; an eclectic mix of nuts, Ritz crackers, mini Mars and Ferrero Rocher chocolates (honestly, no word of a lie). I absentmindedly popped a nut in my mouth and bit down, only then realising that I was eating a whole hazelnut, shell and all. The loud crack as it broke against my teeth resonated around the room. The CEO paused in his talk to see what I would do. Chew and swallow, or spit and dribble?  An age passed as I weighed my options. I swallowed.

To my surprise, the CEO then commended me, stating that it was good for my lower bowel/digestive system. This is just the sort of thing my dad used to say when he was trying to get me to eat more fibre. For a brief moment I felt like I was 10 again.

This whole investment banker thing really is beyond me sometimes.

No. 51: Quick Quiz: Where would you find the Dubai Airport Hotel?

This morning at 1am local time I arrived in Dubai. It has been many years since I was at Dubai airport and as I weaved my way through security I marvelled at how much had changed. Local importers of marble have clearly had a good few years. It’s a bright clean modern airport.

30 min later I cleared customs and walked out of the Arrivals exit. I started looking for signs to the Dubai Airport Hotel. Eventually I asked a friendly looking local and as she pointed back towards the customs area I felt my heart sink. The Dubai Airport Hotel is actually in the airport, before you get to customs. I spent half an hour trying to talk my way back through security but it was clear I wasn’t going to be successful. Arguably the least helpful suggestion for how I could get to my hotel room was for me to change my next flight to an earlier time so I could check in right away, then once I had the boarding pass I could get through security.

The fact that this approach would mean all the meetings I had planned would no longer happen seemed to be a minor aside.

In the end I booked myself into another hotel and chalked it up as yet another thing I learnt after it was too late.

No. 50: Oh dear…

Today I am 45. To use an Oil and Gas analogy, I have reached ‘Peak Piers’, ie there is less time in front of me than there is behind me. Yes despite this I am feeling pretty good.

As I cycled the 18 miles into central London this morning (that’s a whole Note on its own, detailing the cycle-obsessed mid-life crisis that I now share with thousands of other 40+ Londoners) I considered how lucky I was. I have a shiny new job in the City, great friends, a loving family. I am a very lucky bloke.

In Thames Water when you have a birthday the tradition is that the birthday-celebrant buys cakes for the whole team. In Blackstone/Global Water it’s a little different. At 930am my terrific new colleagues appeared with glasses and a bottle of rather fine, very chilled, champagne. It’s not yet 10am and I have downed three glasses. Feeling a bit tipsy actually. And I have a big celebratory lunch with Jeremy Rudd in 3 hours. I think I Luv him.

My cycle home tonight may be a bit more challenging than I expected.

No. 49: My Movember Moment

Here is a story you might want to skip over. Feel free to just press delete. It’s hard to imagine any circumstance where a story about testicles goes down well but, this being Movember month, I thought I would share it. For the unaware, Movember is an international campaign to raise awareness of testicular and prostate cancer. It involves men (and women? Let’s not be sexist) growing moustaches during the month of November for charity.

My story starts at a recent Bupa health check-up. All was going well until they asked if I wanted to have my testicles checked. Why not, I thought. On went the rubber gloves, down came my trousers. For the next 5 minutes a lady in her late 50s squeezed and prodded in a way that really shouldn’t be allowed. She noted that one hangs higher than the other. This is normal I have now learnt, apparently the left testicle is usually the lower one. Who would have guessed? (I can safely guarantee that every male reading this is, right now, having a quick feel to check themselves).

Anyway my doctor declared that I needed a scan. My right testicle ‘didn’t feel right’. I pointed out it had always felt like that but she wasn’t persuaded. She put on her ‘this is serious’ face and told me I needed a proper scan within 10 days. So last night I found myself at Epsom Hospital.

Here a man smeared some sort of jelly over my balls and then proceeded to spend 15 minutes taking pictures of them with his special handheld ultrasonic device. It’s the sort of thing that I am sure some people pay good money for. Not me. I found myself missing the touch of my earlier older, substantially more gentle, female doctor.

As you might imagine, I made cumbersome jokes about how after four children and a vasectomy 13 years ago I no longer needed them. He didn’t crack a smile. He merely stated that I had hydroseals and cysts. This didn’t sound good. I was briefly worried. He then went on to say that this was typical of someone of my age, that every 45 year old male on the planet had them, and there was nothing I could do about it anyway. He finished by saying that if they ever hurt then they could ‘cut it out’.

I wasn’t sure what his ‘it’ referred to. I didn’t want to ask. I wiped myself down, got dressed and left, feeling like I had be slightly infringed and interfered with.

Somewhere on the servers of Epsom Hospital there are detailed images of my balls. I hope they make good use of them.