Tuesday 24 May 2016

No 148: Club seals, burn rainforests, squirt shampoo into the eyes of baby rabbits…


The world has gone crazy. Everywhere I turn there are well-meaning but pointless ‘do-gooders’, bent on saving the planet. They trounce around, eating lentils and righteously telling the rest of us how to live our lives, as if they somehow have a special oracle that can determine what is truly right from what is truly wrong. Their arguments are generally vacuous and ill-grounded, based on little more than emotional nonsense. I find it tiresome in the extreme. 

Point out to them that their arguments against illegal hunting are as pathetic and short-sighted as those that underpinned prohibition in the 1930s and they splutter into convulsions. What the environmental sector needs is a healthy injection of good old capitalism. Let the hunting ranges be run by commercial businesses and see how long it takes for all those poor animals to start being bred. We did it with chickens. We can do it with any animal.

I have no doubt that the best protection we can provide for some of the worlds ‘endangered’ species is to hunt them commercially. Tap into that primeval instinct to kill, create a bonding experience for the hunter and his comrades. What better way to spend a stag weekend than chasing down a real live rhino across the plains in a huge Hummer, with a beer in one hand and a massive gun in the other? Glorious.


At 6.30pm on June 8th I will be a figure of ridicule and hate. Even more so than normal. I will have spent the previous few hours advocating Legalising the Trade of Wildlife. My role, as illustrated from the nonsense above, is to play the part of an environmental philistine and I, along with Alok Jha (Science Correspondent, ITV News), Claire Hallybone (Senior Archaeologist, Thames Water) and Prof Ian Barker (MD Water Policy International Ltd/VP for Institute of Water) will be loudly and vociferously arguing the case FOR legalising the trade of endangered wildlife. Against us will be a panel of do-goody, tree-hugging environmentalists who will do their best to puncture our crisp logical arguments. They will fail of course, but it will be fun watching them crash and burn.

Back in 1988, as part of my Environmental Sciences undergrad course I participated in a similar debate. Back then I argued against climate change. We didn’t win (thankfully), but we almost landed a body blow with a particularly specious argument that hinged on the fact that (a) most ice is in Antarctica, and (b) Antarctica doesn’t have any solid land, it is all just a massive floating ice sheet (this is not true but why let facts get in the way of a good argument). We argued that this meant that if the ice melted it wouldn’t matter as the sea levels wouldn’t change. To add a bit of theatre to support my case I had some ice and a glass of water, which gradually melted during the debate, proving my point. My key takeaway was that even the most informed audience can be swayed by a bit of good theatre. Some people might argue I have built my subsequent career around this fact.  

The June 8th event will be a proper formal, structured debate, with timed sessions and a judge coordinating the proceedings. The event is organised by the Institute of Water (South East Branch), as part of the UN World Environment Day, under the brilliant direction of Mandhy Senewiratne from MWH. If you want to be part of the above car crash you are most welcome to come along: June 8th, 4pm – 8pm (3.30pm for registration), The Millennium Madjeski Hotel in Reading. 


Wednesday 11 May 2016

No 147: A whistle blew, there was a loud bang and then a French lady made soothing noises


Arriving at an airport to find that your departure gate has been shut down due to a security lock-down is never good. All one can do is stand around patiently, watch the display screens and hope that your flight isn’t going to be cancelled. The crowd steadily grows and every few seconds a sweaty, flustered and agitated businessman barges his way through the crowd, ear pressed to his phone. He gets to the security tape, looks around bewildered at this unusual turn of events and then tries (fruitlessly) to negotiate with the armed soldiers barring his way.

Watching the gravitas of the situation gradually dawn on his face, seeing him sheepishly hang up his phone and stand quietly and patiently alongside the rest of us, brought a little comfort. I particularly liked the way that they would all scowl angrily at the very next person to do exactly what they did. Humans have short memories.  

Just as I was trying to explain what was going on to one of my fellow passengers (in my own special brand of particularly bad French) a whistle blew, there was a loud bang and then a French lady made reassuring noises about how the suspect package had been destroyed.

So smooth and calm was her voice that I couldn’t help but wonder if it was a recorded message.