Last Weds night I had the honour of hosting the 5th
annual Thames Water ‘Excellence in Health and Safety Awards’. I hosted it last
year too.
Last year it coincided with the World Cup football match
between England and Uruguay. Fearing that our audience might be glued to their
smart phones we restructured the evening with an earlier start and then put the
second half of the match on the big conference screen. Watching a football
match on a big screen, in a smart venue, with 300 like-minded people, with
copious amounts of fine wine and good food is so how I
like to watch sport. It was just a shame that we lost. To Uruguay?!
This year we had no such sporting conflicts. However we
still had a theme: James Bond movies. Some might think this was a cumbersome
attempt to inject glamour and glitz into a potential staid topic. They would be
wrong. Bond is ideal for a H&S event: just think of all the risk
assessments spies must have to do. It’s the main reason I have resisted calls
to join MI5. That, and the fact that I would probably blurt out national
secrets as part of this blog. And they haven’t called me. Yet.
Attached is a photo of the branding for the event. My
opening line was to draw the audience’s attention to the triple-oh-seven
logo. I pointed out how the triple zeros represented Thames’ highly successful
‘Zero incidents, Zero harm, Zero compromise’ campaign. I went on to explain
that the ‘7’ represents the seven key values in the TW H&S manifesto.
Finally, unable to resist, I commented that the bendy tap logo at the end of
the 0007 was there to highlight the importance of male erectile dysfunction. It
got a laugh and set the tone for the rest of the evening.
My faourite part was after the interval. I asked for the
most senior representative from each of the organisations that had won an award
during the first half of the evening to join me on stage. Thinking that they
were about to be given a further award they enthusiastically stepped forward.
Once I had them trapped on the stage they were mine to do with as I pleased. I
pointed out how it was now pay-back time for all those people who had not
won an award. All those people who had sat with rictus smiles while their
competitors basked in glory were now about to get their due reward.
As everyone who has seen a Bond film knows, the opening
credits always include a scantily clad lady dancing in a somewhat bizarre,
slow-motion, semi-provocative manner. In return for WaterAid contributions from
the audience, the 7 senior directors were coaxed (bullied some might say) into
dancing in said manner to the theme music of ‘For Your Eyes Only’ (which,
thanks to YouTube, it almost certainly won’t be). It was like watching a car
crash version of The Full Monty. We raised £400. Not bad for the 15 seconds. We
should get them to do 15 minutes next year and raise £24k
However, as Martin Baggs (CEO for TW) was one of my seven
dancers something tells me I won’t be there next year. However perhaps MI5 are
also reading this email. Perhaps they will offer me a job. I can also sing all
the Bond theme tunes. That must count for something?
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