No 133: I love Professor John Bridgeman (and by the end of this Note, you will too)

Like all mid-life crisis infatuations my love for John Bridgeman crept up on me almost unnoticed.

I have known him for many years, we used to be work colleagues. He is now Professor for Environmental Engineering at the University of Birmingham, one of the more distinguished UK universities. John has somewhat quirky sense of humour (I think it is caused by his constant close proximity to sewage). Earlier this summer I emailed John and received his out-of-office message. Unlike most such messages, John’s was a glorious blend of wit and humour.

Below is his Christmas out-of-office message. Read and enjoy (and then, just to fill his inbox, send him an email expressing your appreciation to j.bridgeman@bham.ac.uk)  

OUT OF OFFICE MESSAGE FOR JOHN BRIDGEMAN

Thank you for your email, the contents of which I am sure are informative, instructive and interesting in equal measure.  Sadly, I am unable to engage with you and your missive directly at this time as, in the words of the world’s most famous septuagenarian amateur tennis player and chanteur it is “Christmas time, mistletoe and wine, children singing Christian rhyme, etc. etc.” and consequently I find myself in the bosom of my family wearing a jauntily misplaced paper hat and smelling faintly of festive sherry and sprouts.

However, even though it is Christmas, I feel it my duty to provide an appropriate response to your email.  Thus, please indulge me for a few moments.  I would be grateful if you would imagine that you have called one of those infamous telephone help lines (choose a poorly performing utility of your choice) and that you have been on hold for the last 45 minutes with only a muzak-mangled version of Greg Lake’s ‘I believe in Father Christmas’ for company.  Suddenly you find you are greeted by an electronic voice asking you to select the most appropriate option.  With that in mind, here we go:

1.    If you are a journal editor:
Thank you for your rejection of my latest manuscript.  I shall, of course take note of the reviewers’ insightful comments and, in particular, take particular care and attention to cite the entire canon of Reviewer 3’s work in all my future contributions, despite the fact it has nothing to do with the subject matter of my manuscript.  All power to his h-index I say.

2.    If you are a Research Council employee:
Thank you for your rejection of my latest grant application.  I agree that it is entirely appropriate for you to take four months to reject a proposal that has been lovingly crafted over the previous six months on the basis of some particularly vitriolic comments from Reviewer F76RSD.  A cynic might think that these comments were borne more from a desire to ensure that a competitor from an equally mid-ranking Russell Group university does not steal a march on one’s own research portfolio rather than a detailed analysis of the proposal’s scientific merits.  Fortunately, I am free of such cynicism and am overjoyed that an esteemed anonymous colleague has taken the time to describe my ideas as “naïve”, “intuitively obvious” and (my personal favourite) the description of me as “academically lacking and intellectually weak”.

3.    If you are a conference organizer:
Thank you for your email inviting me to chair a session at your forthcoming conference on macramé and wig manufacture in 17^th century Prussia.  Whilst not an ideal alignment with my own research interests, I would of course be only too pleased to make my own flight and accommodation arrangements to join you in China / Malaysia / Uzbekistan (delete as appropriate) at my own expense in July 2016.  I look forward to hearing a succession of dull and ill-founded presentations after which I will attempt to encourage the audience of bored PhD students to generate some form of contribution which will no doubt  result in at least one particularly arrogant yet bizarrely esteemed Professor to make a monologue on how useful his own research is and how it is significantly more important than anything else spoken in the previous 90 minutes.

4.    If you are a prospective overseas PhD student seeking to read for a PhD in my research group:
Thank you for your email; we are always keen to hear from high quality students looking for work that aligns with our research interests.  However, we do operate particularly stringent entry requirements and to be considered you must reach the following standards: (1)  Can you write your own name?  (2)  Do you have cash?  If the answer to both questions is ‘yes’, please pack your bags and I will be delighted to welcome you to the Department in the New Year.  (Incidentally, if you can only answer ‘yes’ to Q2, we’ll take you anyway).

5.    If you are a recruitment consultant:
Thank you for your email.  It is a pleasure to hear the sound of a barrel being scraped once more.  I would be only too pleased to make my way to London at your convenience to be subjected to a critical analysis of my failings as an academic after which you can inform me that your ‘client’ does not feel that, on this occasion, my skillset is appropriately aligned to the needs of this most demanding of roles.

6.    If you are a Pro Vice Chancellor:
Thank you for your email.  It would be my pleasure to jump.  Exactly how high would that be sir / ma’am?

7.    If you are an Undergraduate student who wants to complain about your coursework or exam mark:
Look, just fxxk off will you.

No 132: A Damn Fine Investment

Last Christmas I wrote a Note (no 66) entitled ‘And you thought your day sucked…’. It told the story of Drinkwell International, a Malawi-based business that drills and maintains water boreholes. They provide water to some of the poorest communities in the world. I shared some of the challenges they had experienced, in particular with corruption and bribery and how the owners, Jonathan and Jennifer Hunter, were facing the difficult but understandable decision to fold the business. My Note struck a chord, and many of you reached out directly to Jonathan and Jennifer to wish them well. A year on I thought it would be good to give an update.

Drinkwell was established in 2013 and it has continued to operate all through 2015. It will finally cease trading in early 2016 once it completes its outstanding commitments. From the very start the aim was to build a business that was both financially viable (ie charged a fair price for its services) and socially sustainable (ie employed and trained local people). This was a bold goal that would require tenacity, courage and significant start-up cash.

Isle has provided financial support to Drinkwell through our foundation, REEF (the Revolving Economic Empowerment Fund), which provides soft loans to water-entrepreneurs in developing countries. It is called a ‘revolving’ fund because every penny that gets repaid is re-invested in the next (wild, hair-brained) scheme that takes our fancy.

Somewhat surprisingly, Drinkwell is not folding for any of the reasons we anticipated. It isn’t because the financial model was flawed (Malawians are prepared to pay a fair price for a good service). It isn’t because the local population don’t have the skills. There is a willing local workforce, hungry to get involved. Drinkwell is closing because to survive the company would need to adopt the corrupt practices that others in the supply chain embrace. This approach is, quite simply, not in Jonathan or Jennifer’s DNA. Principals can be expensive but they are always worth every penny. Despite these challenges the Drinkwell record is impressive. After 2.5 years of operation, they have drilled and rehabilitated 84 boreholes.  

The high-risk nature of REEFs investment portfolio is such that delivering a pure financial return was always going to be a challenge, but our measure of success is not purely financial. We are not walking away empty handed. We have learnt valuable lessons which we take into our next deal. We have proven that at a base level (ie drill borehole, charge client) the economic model can work, even in very poor communities. Best of all, Drinkwell has provided water to 25, 000 people.

The financial support that REEF provided to Drinkwell was around £60k. Most of this has been repaid but we will unfortunately not recoup our full investment. Our losses once the company is finally closed will be about £15k. That is £15k to provide safe, reliable water to 25,000 people who didn’t previously have access. Even if you assume boreholes only last 10 years (20+ is more typical) that is 6p per head per year.

That feels like a bloody fine investment to me.  We would do it again in a heartbeat.

No 131:A Christmas Fairy-tale: The Gingerbread Café and the Magic Toilet

                                                                                      

Deep in the heart of London is Europe’s tallest building, The Shard. At the base of The Shard is the Shangri La hotel. Hidden inside the hotel is Lang’s Café. So far, there is nothing remarkable to this story. But this café is magical. Like a Lewis Carol portal at the back of a cupboard, this café has the ability to enhance the lives of those patrons who, through accident or good fortune, notice its hidden mystery. For hard though it is to believe, the serving desk in the Lang’s café is made of gingerbread.

Don’t believe me? See the attached photos. That 12 foot high brickwork is all pure, edible, fresh gingerbread. Most patrons fail to notice, but to those that do, great things happen. Take my story as an example and then, I dare you, try it for yourself.

Mere minutes after I had noticed the gingerbread (and had an enlightening exchange with my server about the various merits of such a workspace) I found myself facing a call of nature. I visited the café toilet and experienced the unexpected but surprisingly wondrous pleasure of a heated toilet seat. As I placed my delicate white buttocks on the pre-warmed ceramic I knew my life was about to change. I could feel an enchanted tingle creeping up my body. Something good was about to happen, I just knew it.

Seconds later my phone buzzed, announcing the arrival of a new email. It was from Frank Rogalla at Aqualia. It was in Spanish but  I could tell it was good news. A quick translation later and I learnt that after almost 2 years in the evaluation process our Horizon 2020 consortium (comprising 18 different organisations from across the EU, with Isle as the only UK partner) had been successful. We had secured a Euro7m grant, spread over the 3 years, to investigate ‘Nanomaterials – Low Energy Desalination’. This is a great project, working as part of a great team.

It is an early Christmas gift, coupled with a little bit of fairy-tale luck perhaps. Some might call it chance. Some might call it coincidence. I believe in the magic toilet.

As my day progressed it so did my feelings of good fortune. As chance would have it, this evening was the Isle UK Christmas Party. Admittedly an evening of virtual reality golf, speedway racing and unbridled drunken karaoke with complete strangers is not the traditional way to celebrate the birth of Christ, but it seemed strangely fitting. We bonded and celebrated. I didn’t share my magic toilet seat story, no one would have believed me. No one in Isle reads these Notes, they get enough drivel from me as part of their day job that I suspect they all press delete as soon as these emails arrive. My secret is safe.

So here I am, sitting on my train home as it limps slowly across the Surrey countryside. A little bit drunk and horse from singing, yet unbelievably happy. It is a Christmas Fairy-tale! And there is still 10 days to go….

No 130: ‘Twas the month before Christmas….

The water sector is not known for clever word play but Bactest, the Cambridge-based technology company, is pioneering the way forward. The CEO Annie Brooking, has a reputation for creating innovative and inspiring marketing campaigns. Aside from being the BFF for Myleene Klass (see Note No 60), she has even been known to burst into song whilst on the podium at conferences. She now has a new song, one specially designed for this festive season…

Bactest have developed a clever technology, called Shepherd, that measures and controls aeration in Activated Sludge lanes, saving copious amounts of energy in the process. So good is Shepherd that the Telegraph recently made a video highlighting its installation at Anglian Water. To see the video go to www.shepherdmanagingthefloc.com and scroll down.

What better way to celebrate this exciting technology than to create it’s very own Christmas Carol:  

Let Shepherd Watch Your floc by night

When you are not around

With Shepherd on your plant each day

Great savings can be found

Fear not, Shepherd said, for mighty dread

Whilst you are saving pounds

Your lovely bugs are nicely fed

Your plant is safe and sound

Not since the Thames Executive team sang ‘Merry Phosphorus’ at an impromptu pantomime back in 2013 has such a musical feat been achieved. ‘Merry Phosphorus’ was created to celebrate the recent installation of the Ostara P-recovery facility at Slough (the video is here: http://sdrv.ms/1cxwBQI, jump to 18 minutes in for the big finale).

Brilliant though Shephard and Bactest are, I should point out that my infatuation with it is not completely independent. I am about to step into the role of Chairman for Bactest. However I encourage you to turn my lack of independence into a positive. For those readers who have aeration floccs which need managing let me be your route to owning your very own Shepherd. I can connect you to the very people you need to speak with.

I will even make sure you get a special ‘Chairman’s discount’. It is, after all,  time to spread some early Christmas cheer.

No 129: Remember this name: Anna Oliphant Wright

The daughter of one of my mates in Australia, Tony Wright (CEO, Victoria Water Association) likes to sing and write songs (yes I know, you have heard this sort of story many times before, but this one is a bit different). She recently released a song on iTunes and within days it was listed as number 3 on the iTunes top 100 new releases in the blues genre. As you might imagine, this took her parents somewhat by surprise. They knew she was good but…..

Here is a link to a page the local radio station put together on Anna. The two songs on the link are originals and Anna plays the instruments. These songs were recorded in her living room and in the school music studio. Keep in mind she is 15. She is still at school. She is awesome. 

http://www.powerfmballarat.com.au/sessions/music-hub/49426-anna-oliphant-wright

https://www.facebook.com/445041945670781/videos/511529822355326/    

I listened to the songs and thought she was exceptional, but what do I know. I am just a water-boy. Now through a quirk of circumstance I happen to know the singer/songwriting legend (and former lead singer for 1980s pop group Ultravox) Midge Ure. Yes, this is the very same Midge Ure who penned the Band Aid single 'Do they know it's Christmas' and helped, along with Bob Geldof, change the face of the world for the better back in 1984. (Fun fact: Midge is the phonetic reversal of his given name Jim. You can take that to your next dinner party and dazzle people with your knowledge). 

Having been blown away by Anna's style I felt compelled to share her songs with Midge. He is a busy man, touring the world and the like but, being Midge, he took the time to listen to her recordings and has given her some advice (which I won't share here, partly to save embarrassing her but mainly so I can then cash in big time when she becomes famous with my exclusive early insights into her journey to the top). Suffice to say he compared her to the young Kate Bush. 

Listen to these songs. This is not the voice of an X Factor flash in the pan. She has a Katie Melua richness. She needs to gently nurture her talent, develop her style, and become the truly great musician that these songs promise. Listen to those words : This is the work of a songwriter extraordinaire.

And she wants to study to be a civil engineer. How cool is that?! 

And I know her dad. 

And now, by default, so do you. 

 (if you also enjoy the link let me know, I will pass it on to her dad)

Note 128: Facebook: Move fast. Make mistakes. Learn.

As you approach the offices of Facebook, 30 miles south of San Francisco, there is a 2m high concrete monument displaying the iconic thumbs up Facebook logo. It boldly welcomes you to the Facebook campus. What few people know is that on the other side of this monument is the logo for Sun Microsystems. Back in the 1990s Sun was a leading pioneer in the computing sector, but they failed to evolve. The world of high technology is fickle. Only the bold survive and Sun refused to embrace change. Instead of being open to innovation Sun stuck to the old ways and rapidly became toast. When Facebook moved onto the site they adopted the Sun welcome sign, turned it around and put their own logo on the back. It serves as a stark reminder that surviving in this sector is by no means guaranteed. You have to keep thinking differently. 

Fortunately thinking differently is what Facebook do in spades. My visit was arranged through a good friend, Kevin Slover. In an organization where the average age is 28, Kevin, being the wrong side of 50, is positively ancient. Yet he has the maturity and experience that comes from spending a career working on tough problems, and has miraculously not lost that childlike quality of thinking without prejudice and exploring without fear. He bubbles away with a constant stream of ideas. I understood less than 10% but I knew I was in the presence of someone who will change the world (and by nodding every few minutes and saying 'My word, how interesting' he never realized my stupefying ignorance).   

The Facebook mission is 'to make the world more open and connected'. Kevin is working on a groundbreaking project that, through the mindboggling use of lasers and satellite aircraft, will provide internet access to the 4bn+ people who do not have the telecoms infrastructure that we enjoy in the developed world. These are typically the same populations that lack access to clean drinking water or adequate sanitation, also caused by a lack of critical infrastructure. In comparison, internet coverage might seem a low priority, but the educational, social and economic benefits are impossible to refute. If successful, Kevin's project will deliver the internet without requiring traditional infrastructure. Like this Facebook project, there are some notable water projects which attempt to address the same lack-of-infrastructure challenge (dlo Haiti for example), but we need more. There is much the water sector can learn from Facebook's approach.

The Facebook campus is a cross between a modern theme park and the hippest university one could ever imagine. There is a Main Street, filled with quality restaurants serving free food to the 5000+ staff based there. There are free bikes and everywhere you look there are bright young minds beavering away. It is like a massive human bee colony. 

Even inside the buildings, where the real work happens, the quirky we-think-differently vibe is obvious at every turn. Every workstation has an electronic desk which can be raised or lowered depending on whether you want to stand or sit. Some even have treadmills. I walked past a meeting where Sheryl Sandberg (the COO) was in an intense discussion. Everything looked normal, apart from she was barefoot. I didn't see Mark Zuckerberg, but I passed his desk, situated in the centre of the open plan workspace, next to the worlds biggest goldfish bowl conference room.

Even the meeting rooms are named with a freedom of expression that literally beggars belief. While I was there  Kevin attended a short meeting in a room named 'Rats live on no evil star'.  Other room names include "I know it is cheesy, but I feel grate' and 'The door is alarmed, calm it down'. My personal favourite however was 'Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana'.

If the room had had a Like button I would have clicked it. 

No. 127: The NSA want me.

Late last night I arrived in Phoenix, Arizona. My flight had been delayed, customs had been hard work, and I had missed my planned dinner engagement. I was hungry, tired and irritable. 

Imagine my delight therefore to find on my hotel bed a large family-sized pack of Snickers, complete with a welcome card, apparently from the NSA. It read 'From the NSA - the only part of government that actually listens'. Next to the chocolates was a small and suspicious-looking technical device, about 5 cm square. It was either a tracking device to monitor my every move while on US soil, or a communication tool that would provide me with details of my next secret mission, if only I could work out how to make it play. 

I opened the chocolates and waited for something to happen. 

Jet lag caused me to wake 3 hours later. It was 3am local time but my body thought it was mid morning. I promptly ate 20 fun-sized Snickers (a breakfast of kings if ever there was one..) and re-examined my NSA gifts. I was none the wiser. If this was the NSA's recruitment technique for potential new spooks then it had a lot going for it. The chocolates were an immediate plus and the 'peeping while you are sleeping' tag line on their card suggested a level of self depreciating organisational humour that appealed. 

Later, when I joined the dozen or so other attendees at my business engagement I asked if anyone else had received a similar welcome gift. I was alone. I was special. I had been carefully selected. One might argue that I did not demonstrate my best secret agent skills by sharing, loudly and proudly, the news about my chocolates (sadly now all gone) and my comms device. 

It was at this point, just as I was beginning to believe that I had been especially selected, that it became clear that Debbi Madigan, Executive PA to Trevor Hill of Fathom, was the source of my gifts. She had read my earlier Note about how 'they' know just how many Snickers we eat from our hotel mini-bars and had decided to welcome me to her home state, with some true Arizona hospitality. I confess that a little bit of me died on realising that the NSA do not adopt a Christmas-Elf approach to espionage. Confectionary and comfortable beds is surely an excellent way to make the world a better place.  

My inability to be selected as a new spook is probably for the best.  I have never been good at secrets. I am more Inspector Clouseau than James Bond.

No 126: Ironic Mangroves and Unwritten Celebrity Novels

Ironic Mangroves: On Monday evening I met with a senior representative from the Abu Dhabi Environment Agency. The location was particularly special; we overlooked the beautiful Abu Dhabi Mangroves. My host, with infectious passion, shared with me how these were the 'most western mangroves in the world'. Other mangroves can only be found to the east. I decided it would be churlish to point out that if you go far enough west then, eventually, you would find mangroves as that is how globes work. Her point was that the flora before me was rare and needed protection. With the increase in desalination facilities around the Gulf there is a steady, undeniable and potentially unstoppable rise in salinity which puts all local marine life at risk. If the mangroves are to survive then radical change is required. I share my hosts passion.

The irony however is that we were having this discussion on the viewing deck of a 5 star hotel, complete with its own large chlorinated swimming pool and rooms ('executive suites') that make my 5 bedroom home in Epsom look positively Spartan. There is something slightly perverse about building a hotel that offers guests the worlds best power-shower experience, whilst also giving them a view of the environment they pillage in so doing.  If this was a plot line in a movie people would not believe it, it is so incredulous.

Unwritten celebrity novels:  Following my last note various people have shared with me their Michael Palin encounters. He gets around.  The undoubted best anecdote came from Alan Thomson, MD for Abu Dhabi Sewage Services Company (ADSSC). Back in the late nineties Alan worked for the West of Scotland Water Authority. One day a call came in from Michael Palin's agent asking if he could meet with someone who 'understood sewage'. When they met Michael shared that he was considering writing a novel about a man who goes to Spain and overhears a couple of radicals talking about a new controversial sewage works that is being built nearby. This in itself doesn't make for a best seller. One assumes the story would develop with a usual mix of antagonists and heroes (with the water sector personnel as the heroes...obviously). 

Michael and Alan met half a dozen times, which suggests he was either sufficiently impressed with Alan's description of his rock and roll life in sewage, or that was searching but failing to find that elusive character hook. Over the ensuing weeks Alan and Michael developed a friendship which makes his minor involvement in my birthday celebrations even more pathetic than I had feared. Fortunately I am not jealous or bitter. (Suffice to say neither Michael nor Alan will now not be invited to my 47th celebrations. )

As far as we know Mr Palin's sewage novel was never completed. With the exception of the Jack Nicholson's film Chinatown, water doesn't generally get much air-time in novels or films. I once read a David Nobbs story which included a scene where the residents of a fictional North-London village attend a public meeting with their local water company. The character from the water company is clearly based on the real life Bob Collington at Thames Water (fortunately he comes out well). We need more stories that celebrate water. I have an idea for a terrific blockbuster. It involves mangroves, luxury hotel chains and a slightly incompetent but well meaning individual who wants to make a difference...

No 125: Michael Palin came to my birthday celebration

Last night my wife and I, along with my mother and ex-Monty Python and seasoned traveller Michael Palin had a little get-together to celebrate my up-coming birthday. It was a truly fine evening and a great way to celebrate the passing of another year. There was also about 150 other people who, due to a confusion over the invites, may have been under the mistaken impression that they were attending a Guardian-organised ‘Evening with Michael Palin’ rather than a Clark-organized birthday party, but I let this pass.

Michael was in excellent form. Entertaining and jovial, telling a series of engaging anecdotes and stories. In a slightly quirky twist he didn’t bring me a present but instead appeared keen to talk about his recently published Diaries. Again I let this pass.

During the evening we heard how the BBC didn’t engage on Monty Python until the final third series was well underway. For the first two series it had been buried in a late night slot and so busy were the BBC comedy controllers with the likes of Dads Army and Morecombe and Wise that they didn’t interfere, or indeed watch, Python until it had become honed. Comedy might have been very different had they not left it to gradually develop.

He shared that his favourite sketch is the (now iconic) fish-slapping dance. This led to a slightly off-beat, yet strangely revealing, discussion about how fish are funny (think Haddock or Halibut) but pumas are not. We even heard how Michael was not the first choice for his ground-breaking and style-setting travelogue series ‘Around the World in 80 Days’. Rather frighteningly Noel Edmonds was an earlier and preferred option. Travel documentaries could have been very different.

Mr Palin is a truly fascinating character. Generous and engaging, honest and clearly values-led. Spending an evening with him, albeit with 150 strangers, was a great way to mark the passing of another year. He is one of my heroes (I have many). I just have to keep reminding myself that, wonderful though he is, he is not the Messiah. He can be a very naughty boy.

No 124: Waste Water is more exciting that Drinking Water.

Let’s face it, people who work in Drinking Water tend to either be obsessive about leaky pipes, or just like messing with chemicals. Whereas the folk who work in Waste Water have much more fun. They are earthier, and do exciting things with bacteria and blowers. This is not just a personal prejudice (back when I did real work, I too was a wastewater man). I now have irrefutable evidence. Two weeks ago I ran a Scout group looking at Drinking Water. Last night we did Waste Water, and oh what fun we had…

Somewhat dangerously we kicked off with a power point presentation. It included images and facts designed to highlight why good sanitation is so vital. The opening slides refer to the Paris Hygiene Edict of 1539, which I somewhat boldly claim as the first ever public health legislation. This is based on nothing more than the rather ambiguous  fact I have not found any other earlier examples (I also have not really looked). The discussion almost got side-tracked when I asked who had heard of Henry VIII (he was on the English throne in 1539). A slightly painful but very vibrant debate ensued concerning exactly how many wives he had (numbers ranged from 2 – 8). We eventually got back on track and the microscopic image of a Taenia solium got the expected laugh (see the slide, all will be clear), followed by the shock and awe of the subsequent images of sanitation related diseases.

The slides finish with two pictures of sewers. One a brick lined Victorian structure and the other a modern sewer. The trick is to set these up so they look like photos, but they are actually videos. After a few seconds a rather cute rat comes tripping towards you from the other end of the Victorian sewer. A few seconds later a (far scankier) rat also appears in the modern sewer. It always goes down a storm with school kids and last night was no exception.

Having done the slides, the next activity was to make some sewage of our own. No, not like that. We took a big bucket, some water and various food items and had enormous fun talking about all the things that end up in a modern sewer (food, road run-off, industrial effluents, washing powder, etc). This led, somewhat inevitably, to a competition to design and build a filter that could ‘treat’ our freshly made pseudo-sewage. It is astonishing how much fun 20 kids can have with a funnel, a sieve and sand/gravel. Points were scored on throughput and quality.  

Scouts wouldn’t be scouts without a game and I found a perfect water-based one on YouTube (link below). The children had to pass a cup of water down the line, pouring it from one cup to the next but without touching the cup with anything other than their lips. The winning team was the one that had the most water remaining. It had the added benefit of ensuring the scout hall floor got its annual washing.  

Below are links to all the resources I used last night. The response to my last Note was so encouraging (not least because it confirmed that some people do actually read these diatribes) that I am once again sharing the resources for you to use and abuse. Feel free to copy, paste a plagiarise as you see fit.

Finally, following my last Note my former colleague at Thames Water, Karen Simpson (karen.simpson@thameswater.co.uk) contacted me to tell me about the ‘H20 4 Life’ badge that she created for her local Brownie/Guide group. Since its launch in 2014, over 4200 badges have been completed which, using OFWAT approved rules, equates to over 35,000 l/d of water saved (or over 5 Olympic Swimming pools per year). Karen works in the Water Efficiency team at Thames so clearly knows her onions when it comes to water efficiency. If you want to pick her brains directly then I am sure she would love to hear from you.

Have fun…

Modern Sewer Rat video

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0etdw8PpXr_dTNIM0VvQVl0RFU/view?usp=sharing

Victorian Sewer Rat video

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0etdw8PpXr_TmxZWkdUeXVZVDQ/view?usp=sharing

Presentation

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0etdw8PpXr_S2t6azdWTzNlZlk/view?usp=sharing

Scout game – water pass-the-parcel

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KAu8c8IbpM

Not 123: Something to try at work next week…

Last night I had the dubious honour of shepherding twenty-five excitable 11 – 14 year olds. I am an Assistant Scout Leader and our topic last night was ‘water’. Due to my background, I led the evening. I am fairly experienced public speaker, but I confess to a real sense of trepidation as I entered the Scout Hut. This was an audience that could go native very, very, quickly. Lively and boisterous, with a proven tendency to boil-over exceptionally swiftly. It is part of the charm/challenge of scouting (….or at least it is if you are the Assistant leader!)

I had planned three activities (see below). I share them here, just in case you find yourselves in similar situation. Feel free to plagiarise and adapt. The first activity involved encouraging the children to appreciate just how little of the earths water is actually readily available for human use. By getting the children to think of themselves as representing all the water on earth we quickly concluded that 24 of them were sea water and just one of them represented all the fresh water sources. I then chose a scout and stood him in the middle of the room and we put PostIts on him to mark the various fresh water sources (ice caps, permafrost, atmosphere, lakes, etc). The conclusion was that essentially it was just his ears that were easily available water (he had large ears).

The second activity was a water-fact quiz where I gave them the answers but they had to select the right answer as I read out each question. This proved to be particularly successful, with the children properly engaging on some of the issues, whilst at the same time apparently having fun. Most importantly however it enabled me to relive my game-show host fantasy. Next time I shall wear a sparkly blazer too.  

For the third activity I laid out 13 different items on a table (piece of toast, apple, chocolate bar, bottle of wine, a T-shirt etc) and they had to rank them in order of embedded water (ie the water used to produce the product). This was less successful. Half the troop failed to understand the task, while most of the rest just wanted to eat the products. Next time I am just using pictures. In two weeks’ we are doing an evening on wastewater, I am already planning my activities.

I have no doubt that the reason for the nights success was down to the sound advice my wife, Stella, gave me before the evening began. She is a teacher and knows her stuff. I now intend to use these same skills and strategies in the work place. For example, if people are talking over me or just not listening will stand silently in the centre of the room with my arm in the air until everyone else does exactly the same (I didn’t need to explain this rule, they all did it by rote. How cool is that?). Also, rather than liberally ripping into someone when they do something annoying I will patiently and enthusiastically praise the (few) things that they got right (Apparently the carrot is stronger than the stick. Who knew).

And finally, recognising that adults also have short attention spans I will pause every meeting after 20 minutes for an active, full-on game that gets the niggles out of the system. ‘WipeOut’ is a particular favourite. Everyone stands in a circle while a person in the middle swings a rope with a ball on the end in a circle at floor level. People jump over the ball until, inevitably, someone gets hit and crashes to the floor. They are out. Everyone laughs. We move on. It is just dangerous enough to be exciting and not quite dangerous enough to cause any real lasting harm.

There was a proposal last night that rather than jumping over the ball at floor height it should be swung at head level and people should duck instead. This is clearly a terrific idea and will be the core of my new venture :‘Office WipeOut’. I wonder if I can register the concept in time for the Christmas market…

Activity 1

Equipment: pens, paper, PostIt notes

Get children to list all the sources of water they can think of. Give a point for each source and 5 points for any source that no other team has thought of. Bring the group together in a circle and share answers.  Split group to represent each of the main water sources. Once you get down to a single child representing all the fresh water use PostIt notes to highlight how much of their body is the different water types. 

Source                    %                             Child equivalent (assuming a group of 24)

Fresh water           2.5%                                       1

                OF WHICH

                Locked in Glaciers               69           legs and torso

                Ground water                       30           arms and head

                Surface water                       1              ears

OF THE SURFACE WATER

                Lakes      21%                       

                Ice/Permafrost     69%       

                Atmosphere/soil/Swamps/Living things          3%

Conclusion: if the whole troop was equivalent to all the water on the planet then the most useful sources of water equate to about a childs earlobes…

Activity 2

Equipment: 80lt bin and a 2 lt bottle (to show volumes), 4 sets of cards with all the numbers on them

Split the group into teams. Give each team the cards with the numbers/ answers.  Read out the questions and get each team to pick the number that they think gives the answer. Provide the answers live so they can recycle the number if it was wrong (ie use it again)

The amount of water on the planet that is accesable for human use (rounded to the nearest percentage)     1%

The number of people who lack access to clean water                1 billion

The number of people who lack access to adequate sanitation 2.5 billion

The percentage of diseases in developing countries that are related to contaminated water             80%

The number of deaths per year due to contaminated water      2.2million

The distance walked on average in developing countries every day just to collect water (mostly by women and children) 6km

The World Health organisations recommended minimum amount of water per head per day 25lt

The average amount of water used in the UK per head per day 168lt

The average amount of water used in the US per head per day 250lt

The target amount of water used for new modern ‘green’ homes 132lt/head/day

The amount of water consumed in Haiti per head per day 2.1Lt

The average amount of household income spent on water in a developing country 25%

The average amount of household income spent on water in a developed country 1%

The % sanitation coverage in developing countries      49%

The % sanitation coverage in developed countries       98%

Amount of all fresh water used by humans that is used for agriculture (especially cotton, rice and sugar)       70%

No of countries expected to be in severe drought stress by 2025                            48

Percentage of world  population expected to be living in severe drought stress by 2025   35%

The value multiplier UNESCO quote as being achieved for every $1 spent on water             12

Activity 3

Equipment: a photo or actual item of each of the products listed below

Explain the concept of embedded water (ie the water used in the production of goods). Give each team the following items, or pictures of these items and ask them to split them into three groups: high water demand (ie >1.5 tonnes of water), medium (100 – 1500lt) and low (<100lt). Tell them there are 3 low, 5 medium and 5 high. Give 2 points for each one that is in the right group. Give them the right answers and then ask them to rank them within each group. Give 5 points if they get the right order, in each category.

Item                                       Lt required           Ranking

Slice of toast                         55                           low

Orange                                   59                           low

Apple                                     90                           low

30g Bag of crisps                  250                         medium

Glass of Milk                          350                         medium

1Lt lemonade                       600                         medium

Bottle of wine                       900                         medium

0.5 kg chicken                      1300                       medium

Margaretta Pizza                  1600                       high       

Hamburger                            3000                       high

100g Chocolate                    2500                       high

T shirt                                     3500                       high

Microchip                              25,000                   high

No 122: Tough Choices

Every day we face choices. Salad or Chinese take-away? X Factor or Bake Off? Blue tie or Red tie? At the time they seem relevant, maybe even important, but they are not and deep down we know it.

Pity then the poor folk in rural Haiti. I was recently viewing the turnover figures for the dlo Haiti water kiosk business (see attached or visit www.dlohaiti.com) and noted that water sales had levelled off in August. This was surprising since they had risen steadily, month on month for the past 6 months. I asked the CEO Jim Chu why. The answer is complicated but, rather terrifyingly, includes the fact that many rural families  have to make a choice every August as to where they spend their limited cash. Water for the family or school fees? Their choice is education or clean water. And this is in a nation where the average clean water consumption per person is only 2.1Lt/day. This miserable choice is disheartening on so many levels.  

Most of us live a life of blissful luxury, through the good fortune of being born in a civilised, safe, developed country we dodge the really tough decisions. But enough of this. It is a sunny Saturday morning and my wardrobe awaits. I have a big decision to make: tight fitting boxers or loose fitting shorts? 

No 121: A quick lesson in how to sell:

This week 20,000 plus people are gathering in Chicago to talk about water, sell their wares, and make connections. WEFTEC is one of the biggest water events in the world. There are hundreds of booths, spread across an area the size of Cameroon. Delegates diligently trudge the expo floor, searching for that elusive golden nugget – a technology that they previously didn’t know existed but will solve all those nagging problems they have back in their day job. Like whalers searching the ocean, or desert Nomads seeking a waterhole, so hunts the modern Expo attendee.  

The booths are variously manned with bored fat balding men who try to entice you with brochures, or attractive young ladies who just entice you (I may have been away from Mrs Clark for too long). I am not convinced that this is the best way to sell. The link below highlights a truly jaw-dropping technology. I was sent it by my friend Peter Jensen (CEO, Empire Water), who was in turn sent it by a friendly Buddhist monk (such is the world of water technology). It is a short video with no spoken words, no fancy graphics, no expensive booth…but I so want to buy it. (There are no enticing ladies either. Hmm) .  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-iJP7DFt6AU 

It lasts 2minutes and 22 seconds. At 2min 20 it reveals that the technology is British. I feel inordinately proud.

No 120: Have you heard of WhatsApp?

Of course you have. You are a well-connected, ultra-hip, modern day professional. Or are you? Have you heard of Tengi? It is like WhatsApp, but better. You still get the free messaging, free photo sharing and all the other delights of WhatsApp, but with Tengi you also get prizes!

Tengi was launched less than a month ago following a series of trials in Sheffield. Those of you who are not familiar with the UK geography, Sheffield is a dark place about half way up the country where people grow rhubarb and speak in a luxuriously soft South-Yorkshire cadence.


The man behind Tengi is Michael Stein, who I first came across when he was part of the inspirational crowd-funding business Trillion. Michael is one of those mind-blowingly innovative, never-stops-moving entrepreneurs. He is always challenging the norm, always finding new ways through old problems. Like all good entrepreneurs he is impatient and revels in breaking rules. I suspect one of his hobbies is kicking hives.


You can download Tengi from their website (www.tengi.com <http://www.tengi.com> ). Currently it is only available in the UK but give it a few weeks and the international launch will be underway.
 Their website also has lots of photos of recent happy winners, each one holding a 'Tengi Winner' sign. Most look truly delighted. Apart from one, who looks bizarrely pained. I have a suspicion this is because he has broken his arm (it seems to be bent
an unnatural 180 degrees).

 
I trust it goes without saying that I am writing this introduction to Tengi purely out of a love and devotion to all things that my good friend Mr Stein does. That said, should any of you actually win any prizes then I do expect a small payback: in your Tengi winner photo I want you to include in the background to your winners photo something watery (a glass of water, a water bottle, a reservoir...).

Michael might be about to create a whole new Tengi-community but we are going to create a new sub-community of Water-Tengists!

Enjoy.

No 119: A Quiet Night In

There is nothing quite like being invited to someone’s private residence when you are travelling. It gives a unique insight into the local culture. Last night I had such an invitation. I didn’t know my host personally (so will protect his identity). He was a friend of a friend.

Through coincidence there were a number of water-sector professionals passing through Singapore and so, at 8pm last night, four of us arrived at our hosts’ gorgeously beautiful, artifact-filled, residence. Imagine a cross between the good bits of the British Museum and Downton Abbey and you won’t be far wrong. Our host was a major mover and shaker, and very generous with his hospitality. Before us lay an evening of sparkling conversation, fine wine and delectable food.

I love evenings like this. I always come away wiser. Aside from new insights into the world of water I learnt why hotel minibars always have exactly the same contents, and was given a horrific demonstration (on my own iphone) of the NSAs ability to track my every move, every call, every thought. As midnight rolled around I found myself playing backgammon on a solid silver board with my hosts partner and work colleague, without a doubt one of the most beautiful and informed women in Asia.

One of my fellow guests was Trevor Hill, a good friend who has featured in these Notes before. Trevor is a unique beast. A former naval officer who spent the 1980's working out how to get clean water to his shipmates. Today he is the CEO of a water-focused software company called Fathom. I adore the Fathom story: the company was spun out of a water utility in Phoenix, and now provides a specialist software platform to over 5 million customers that both saves water and enhances the end-users experience. Having invested over $50m developing the platform Fathom employs over 150 staff. Many are specialist software developers, people who would never normally have considered the water sector for a career. At Fathom they don’t help us order a pizza quicker, or download a movie faster, they help look after the planets increasingly scarce water resources.

Below is a link to a podcast that Trevor recently gave. It is 38 minutes long. Aside from the Fathom platform it describes why consolidation of the 56,000 US water utilities is difficult (short answer: water is heavy). It is not the most exciting thing I have ever listened to, but I tuned in while sorting through a mountain of expense receipts and Trevor’s gentle Canadian lilt made the task simply fly by.

http://thewatervalues.com/2015/09/01/speeding-technology-adoption-among-utilities-with-fathom-ceo-trevor-hill/

34 minutes in Trevor gives out his personal mobile phone number. I think it’s a test to see who listens all the way through. Save yourself the effort and text him on +1 623 203 8667 to tell him how good he was. It will make his day.

Mention the NSA or tell him to choose a Snickers from his hotel minibar and you will really spook him.  

No 118: #SoNotCrap

Last year East Gippsland Water, the water corporation that serves the community 5 hours’ drive east of Melbourne, held a series of open days across all their 20 treatment sites. Only 40 people turned up. It highlighted the perennial problem water utilities have of how to engage with the communities they serve.

#SoNotCrap is the brainchild of Sue O Connor. Its aim is to initiate a conversation between communities and their local water corporations on how they can work together to protect the local environment. Sue won’t thank me for saying this but if you passed her in the street you might mistake her for an elderly aunt. The sort of person who might fill their days playing bridge or tending their garden. This would be a dangerously wrong assumption. She is an eclectic mix of both fiery, astute, and highly vocal water board director and a vibrant, passionate photo-artist.

With the support of Bruce Hammond, the CEO for East Gippsland Water, Sue developed the #SoNotCrap campaign; an exhibition to highlight how East Gipps Water protects its local environment. The launch event was held in an old water tower in Bairnsdale, with the art-video projected onto the walls of the building. The campaign was a great success, not least due to its quirky title. Radio stations tens of thousands of miles away reported on the story. I particularly loved the fact that the launch event was delayed because a pair of peregrine falcons were nesting in the water tower.

Building on the success Sue now plans to hold a #SoNotCrapAsia event, working with organisations across the Philippines, Korea and China to highlight what water corporations are doing to protect the wetlands vital to migrating birds.

I have been in Melbourne for the annual VicWater conference. This year marks the 20^th anniversary for the Victorian Water Association. I was invited to give the key-note address, which was a quirky hour-long  presentation entitled ‘Be Careful What you Wish For’. I briefly worried my presentation was a little too quirky, but this is Australia. They embrace quirky here.  

For example, at last nights’ gala dinner I sat on the table with the newly appointed Minister for Water (actually the Minister for Department of Environment Land Water and Planning, catchily called ‘DELWP’…which is difficult to say without making the ‘W’ sound silent). As a labour minister she quizzed me intensely on UK water privatisation. And then, between the starter and main course she took to the stage and gave a 20 minute head-to-head interview, flipping comfortably between laddish banter on some local sporting triumph (way over my head, but Aussies do love their sport) and the serious issue of gender equity. Quirky.

This was followed by a Vietnamese magician-cum-entrepreneur (Vinh Giang) who mixed management teachings with jaw-dropping illusions. The night closed with a corporate sponsor managing to combine the charity raffle with the most blatant, confident and amusing self-promotion I have ever experienced. They like quirky here. No wonder #SoNotCrap worked so well.

I love Australia. I love Australians. Type #SoNotCrap into YouTube to learn more.

No 117: A Turnaround Tale, Filipino Style

Of the 120 million people who live in the Philippines, 20 million live in Manila. It is a lively, chaotic, vibrant city with the dubious honour of ‘world’s worst airport’ (and the 5^th worst traffic system). Yet within this glorious sprawling mass of humanity there is a fantastic story of success.

Manila is the home of the Asia’s oldest water utility, dating back over 135 years. The water infrastructure is suffering from old age; crumbling leaking pipework, designed to serve populations far smaller than those of today. In 1997, with less than 50% of the population receiving a reliable water supply and non-revenue water (ie, water lost to leaks or theft) at 60% the government decided to create two new water companies - Manila Water and Maynilad Water. Manila Water was given the west of the city, serving the richer and more prosperous. Maynilad got the poorer east. 90% of the national water debt was held in the Maynilad area. Their job was to turn things around. It didn’t work.

In 1998 the Asia crisis kicked in, compounded by a drought. Rather than dropping, the amount of non-revenue water loss increased to nearly 70%. Things got so bad that in 2005 the water assets were temporarily re-adopted by the regulator. A re-boot was needed.

In early 2007 MPIC, an investor with a track record for turning around tough infrastructure investments (in telecoms and power…. but not water) took on the challenge. Professors in the business classes of the future will refer to the CEOs mantra to his staff for them to ‘Eat, drink, sleep  non-revenue water’. His leadership and example drove a culture change, that led to an incredible performance change.  

In 2013 Maynilad Water was described by the International Water Association as having achieved the ‘most aggressive turn-around in the world’. 90% of the population now have a reliable 24 hour supply of water. Non revenue water is down to below 30%. This has been achieved through exceptional asset management – assessing the system, focusing their investments, applying new technology wisely (this is why Isle has been working with them). Through the newly formed Maynilad Academy the team now proudly share their experiences with other similarly-challenged utilities in Asia.

However, don’t be fooled into thinking the high performing team at Maynilad are resting on their laurels. Their current non-revenue target is 15% (half the current level). And, as if that wasn’t enough, their focus is squarely set on resolving the 90% population who don’t have access to reliable sanitation. I can’t wait to watch how they will perform.

In my 36 hours in Manila I learnt many other things. Firstly, despite the literally thousands of people at the airport begging for your custom, don’t take an unofficial cab. You will be very poor by the end of the journey. Secondly, if you want to show respect then end your sentence with the word ‘Po’ (ie ‘Thank you Po’). Thirdly, Rhubarb Crumble, that quintessentially English pudding, is a popular dessert at the swanky BlueBird Restaurant. It doesn’t however contain much Rhubarb.

This is an improvement. 

No 116: Two New Oxymorons:

Forget ‘Mature Student’. Discard ‘Happy Goth’. Even ‘Honest Banker’ fades into insignificance when compared to my two newly discovered oxymorons:

·         A Good Tobacco Company: Today I travelled to a Central European country which, for confidentiality reasons, I am not allowed to name, to visit a company that I must keep secret lest an army of lawyers descend upon me. Suffice to say that they currently are in the nicotine delivery business (cue pantomime boos). However they are an honest and upfront organisation, acknowledging that their core produce causes harm to its users, but they aspire to evolve. They have identified a range of environmentally-sound business ventures that they want to move into. Water is a key part of this new platform. They have the finances, attitude and ambition to make an impact. I hope they are successful.

·         A Hairy Piers: I attended the above meeting with my good friend Thierry Noel from Amane. Thierry has an air of Gallic dishevelment that only a true Frenchman could pull off. Even his best friends would describe him as resembling an unkempt mop. He has thick luscious locks that remind you of an opulent lion’s mane. I on the other hand look like a bald eagle. To further  confirm his hirsuteness Thierry was sporting a rugged 5-day-old beard. This led our host to comment that I, by comparison,  was ‘tightly shaved’. I chose to take this as a compliment, politely ignoring the look in her eyes that asked how someone who clearly hadn’t yet hit puberty could be quite so bald.

I decided it was best not to tell her that due to the 5am start I hadn’t actually shaved for 24 hours. This was my afternoon-shadow look. 

No 115: A Toilet Paper Mystery Solved

Over the past few years I have collected a variety of (interesting) facts about toilet paper. I should perhaps clarify that I did not actively search for these facts, as that would be weird. Instead they merely stuck to the inside of my head (and that’s not weird at all).

For example, soft tissues were not invented until 1936. They were initially advertised ‘for gentlemens’ noses’. I assume this was because the strap line ‘Wipe you bum on this’ would have upset pre-war sensibilities. Such was the luxury of toilet paper that it was initially only sold at Harrods in London.

Up until 1957 you could have any colour you liked, as long as it was white.

Prior to 1936 paper was simply regarded too precious to use for sanitary purposes. The rich used linin sheets and these were washed and recycled. The poor used leaves or newspaper (junk mail is apparently called ‘bumf’ because it was bum-fodder). You think your job is bad? Pity the poor soul who had to wash the linin sheets.  

There are some ‘facts’ that I find suspicious. For example, the claim that American toilet paper is thicker and more luxurious than European paper because ‘Americans are scrunchers, whereas Europeans are folders’. The logic behind this statement feels questionable. One can’t help but wonder how they did their research. Did they undertake a big international survey asking joe-public how they wiped their bottom? I think not. I could just as validly conclude that US toilet paper is thicker because Americans prefer a little bit more luxury.

Or maybe they have sharper fingernails.

Anyway, aside from the paper thickness there was always one ‘fact’ that truly bugged me. Until now that is.  This was the claim that we use on average 11.5 sheets a day. It just didn’t seem enough. Based on the amount we get through in our house 11.5 rolls per day would seem more accurate. I have begun to suspect that my children are taking them from our home and selling them at university to supplement their income. A little bit of me is proud of their entrepreneurial spirit.

Anyway, I have been on holiday this week and have been reading the excellent ‘Future of Water’ by  Steve Maxwell (with Scott Yates). I was kindly sent a copy by Randy Cable at IXOM and I had dipped in and out over the past few months. It has only been while on holiday that I have been able to properly immerse myself in it and, much to the delight of my family, share the swathe interesting facts that it contains.

With regards toilet paper there are two such facts. Firstly that American toilet paper is mostly still made from virgin paper-pulp. European paper is mostly (>90%) recycled. One can only assume that the US public think recycled toilet paper means it is actually recycled toilet paper. Duhh.  Secondly, I have learnt that the average usage is around half a roll per head per day (based on the number of rolls sold and the population of America). This fact makes me want to weep, but it does at least resolve the ‘11.5 sheets per day’ dilemma that had been annoying me. Finally I can let my mind rest.

By the way, I have a similar collection of fascinating facts about sanitary towels. The inside of my head really is rather sticky…

Happy holidays,

Speak soon

Piers, (proudly a Scruncher, despite being European) 

No 114: Innovative but silly; Annoying and sillier; Visionary but silliest.

Innovative but silly: The 4 year drought in California is driving some truly innovative approaches to water saving. The latest idea is to install 100million ‘shade balls’ on one of the largest reservoirs in Southern California (see attached). The opaque balls will not only decrease water loss through evaporation but will also help control algae blooms and cut down on contamination via bird droppings. It is an inspired approach and should be applauded.

But turning a reservoir into a something that resembles the world largest ball-play-pit does seem mildly silly.

 Annoying and sillier: I have long since suspected that my iPad had a personality of its own, I now have clear evidence that it is not only sentient, but that it also has a plan to destroy my (already shaky) reputation. Every email I send from my iPad is no longer delivered under the heading ‘Piers Clark’; instead it now arrives under the title ‘Holidays in the UK’. I have no idea why. Perhaps it thinks that since I have left Blackstone this is all I do. If/when I manage to work out how to correct it you can expect all my future emails to arrive with the declaration ‘Piers, Lord of All’.

• Visionary but silliest: As further clear and irrefutable evidence of my iPads plan to slowly but systematically unravel me it has recently taken to automatically spellchecking the word ‘desert’ to ‘’dessert’. You may feel this is a minor problem but following the recent launch of the Nevada Centre of Excellence (see Note 111) I have been in fairly regular email comms with people at the Desert Research Institute.
• 
  
• To date they are being very understanding, and there have even been suggestions that pudding investigations could represent a new and lucrative emerging market for them. It is, after all, Bake Off season.

Spotted Dick anyone?