A few weeks ago I bid for two tickets to something called ‘Secret
Cinema’ at a charity event. A quick internet search revealed that Secret Cinema
is an annual event, held in a secret location (only revealed 48 hours before
the actual event) where a popular film is played on a massive screen
accompanied by real life props from the film, and real-life actors playing out
particular scenes. Last year the film was Back to the Future and from the
YouTube clips it looked enormous fun.
I decided this was something Mrs Clark and I should do
together, not least because the last time we went out it was to see an amateur
dramatic musical production of Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde. My wife found it
particularly tiresome. I of course loved it, but then I am a fan of musical
theatre (I am a boy I am a boy I am a boy). Secret Cinema was my opportunity to
salvage some dating credibility. All I knew was that the film was ‘The Empire
Strikes Back’, the second Star Wars movie (or the fifth depending on how much
of a purist you are over these things). What could possibly go wrong? 48 hours
before the event I got my ‘secret email’ telling me about the event in more
detail. This revealed the location (a warehouse in south London) and that a
significant commitment to role-play was required. The audience are the Rebel Alliance,
gathering to overcome the Empire and we must come prepared. We should arrive
dressed in character.
After 23 years of marriage I instinctively knew that this
was not going to be something Mrs Clark was going to enjoy. I was heading
towards a second consecutive dating strike-out. On the plus side, the Dr J/Mr H
experience would, by comparison, no longer be a dating low-point. On the
downside, I might not be married by the weekend. It was quickly decided that I
would attend with my 19 year old son. Our costume description clearly
stipulated that we should have ‘seeds and precious stones for trading’. In a
move I later came to regret, we didn’t comply with this simple command.
As always I was running late so didn’t have time to don any
sort of costume (I honestly had intended to try, but time just melted away). As
we got nearer to the secret location it became obvious just how many people
were attending the event. The train had a more-than-usual Friday night share of
Jedi masters and weird alien monsters. Having arrived at the destination we
were corralled by skilled actors, who worked hard to establish the make-believe
world of George Lucas. There is however only so much fun one can have running
from A to B, covering your face to ‘avoid detection’ and generally pretending
to be a Rebel. An hour was enough for me.
Just as I was beginning to think I had reached my capacity
for this sort of fun we finally made it into a big area that had been laid out
just like a market scene on the fictional planet Tatouine. There was sand on
the floor, a lively hubbub of activity, and even an authentic Cantina Bar with
all sorts of weird creatures performing an other-worldly jazz. There were food
stalls and trading stands, and scenes being acted out from the first (fourth)
Star Wars film (‘These are not the droids you are looking for’). It really did
look/smell/feel like you were on Tatouine.
Amid all this there were a couple of thousand people, all
dressed as characters from the film. It was impossible to tell the actors from
the attendees. As one of the few people not
in character I stood out like a sore thumb. The real challenge however was when
I discovered we couldn’t get into the main theatre until we had acquired some ‘illegal
spices’. This involved us trading the precious stones/seeds that I had not
brought with one of the Rebel Alliance actors, without being seen by the Storm Trooper
actors. It was while doing this that I found myself having a frustrating and ultimately
unsatisfactory conversation with an Ewok as I tried to trade a bottle opener (taken
from my car key-ring) for his spices. He wasn’t having any of it and I found
myself longing for a grown-up to talk to.
Fortunately after a bit of blagging we finally managed to
get some spices and made our way through to yet another part of the warehouse
where, in an increasing frenzy of activity, key scenes from the first (fourth)
film were re-enacted, such as the battle between O-B-wan and Darth Vader, the
destruction of the Death Star and the final award ceremony. These were all
acted out in front of a baying and frenzied crowd. Finally we were shown
through to an area where the main film was played, again with key scenes acted
out in parallel to the film on the screen. Like a good pantomime audience the
crowd howled when Leia kissed Luke, booed at Darth Vader, and cheered at Han.
And, of course, everyone shouted ‘I am your father’ at just the right time.
It was a bizarre night out. The real world bumped rudely back
into focus as we boarded the train home. It was a great experience. Best of
all, I am still married.
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