No. 66: And you thought your day sucked….

Drinkwell International is a Malawi-based business that drills and maintains boreholes. They provide water to communities in one of the poorest regions of one of the poorest countries in the world. I love this business.

Isle has provided financial support to Drinkwell over the past couple of years. We first learnt about the company through its MD, Jonathan Hunter. Back in the early noughties when he was a fresh graduate (and I still had hair), Jonathan was one of my colleagues at Atkins. Even then his commitment to Malawi was obvious. He would do regular trips.  

He reconnected with me in mid-2012 with a vision for Drinkwell. I thought it was inspired. Brave, risky, daring…but inspired.  I particularly liked the fact that I personally didn’t need to do anything other than provide some start-up capital. I am not a very practical person and my role as an investor rather than a hands-on employee was perfect. I can cause much less mayhem that way.

Over the past couple of years I have watched spellbound as Jonathan, supported by his wife Jennifer, has steadily built the business. Despite all the initial naysayers, they have successfully established themselves in Malawi. They have employed locals, drilled new wells, got paid for their services, built a reputation. The plan was to grow the business to a scale where it could be handed over to local Malawians as a going concern - not dependent upon charity, but a vibrant enterprise!

This summer Jonathan and Jennifer returned home to Scotland. This was partly to see family but mostly (I suspect) to enable Jennifer to have their fourth child (establishing Drinkwell was clearly not keeping them busy enough). Upon returning to Malawi Jonathan has discovered the truly heart-breaking news that his local partner has robbed him. There is clear evidence that he has defrauded the company, taken (and probably given) bribes, used company resources for his own purposes. The more Jonathan digs the more bad news he discovers. This is clearly tragic and grossly unfair.

Do not mistake Jonathan for a soft touch. He is a robust, clear headed, pragmatic man who now has to salvage what he can and rebuild where he can. However the damage caused may be too much. Only time will tell. Jonathan and Jennifer have every right to feel annoyed, angry and abused. They have done what very few people have the guts or the vision to do, and right now it must feel pretty sucky. My heart goes out to them.     

So now I have a tiny favour to ask you: please send Jonathan an email, congratulating him on the fantastic, ground-breaking work he has done and wishing him good luck for the new year (jonathannhunter@gmail.com – yes it does have two ‘n’s in the middle that is not a typo). Imagine how brilliant a Christmas present it would be if he was to open his emails (which he only gets access to once every few weeks) and see well wishes from people he doesn’t even know. He knows about these Notes so you can make reference to them.

There are too few people like Jonathan and Jennifer on this planet and if we can help them feel a little less alone, a little less screwed over, then that, surely, has to be something worthy of the Christmas period.

Best wishes for the holiday season, see you in the New Year.

No. 65: Things to do in Denver when you not DEAD

Denver: big skies, Rocky Mountains, lovely people.

It also has the biggest co-digestion anaerobic digestion facility in the world. I find this abnormally exciting (many years ago, when I actually did real work rather than whatever it is that you call what I do now, anaerobic digestion was what I studied). Attached are some photos. I could write reams, but I won’t. I suspect the following story is more engaging.

On Tuesday night, in LA, I had a meal with an old friend, Jeff Brown, and his family. Jeff is something big and important at Orange County Sanitation District, but we didn’t talk work. Besides being one of the wittiest people I know, Jeff also has one of the nicest families in the world. One of his daughters, Dana, is based in New York, working to become an actor. As you may know from previous Notes, I am somewhat a tart for celebrity connections, so was particularly keen to hear her story. I had not realised the complexities of establishing an acting career. The 5am auditions with 400 people going for each part, the requirement to join ‘the Union’ (which sounds suspiciously Mafioso and protectionist).

From what I can gather Dana’s acting success to date seems to have been mostly as murder victims, or as a murderer, or as a relative to a murderer. Her parents are so proud.

Dana has produced and acted in a short film. It’s really good. I watched it in a jet lagged state in the middle of the night in my Denver hotel. About 7 minutes in there is a surprising twist. Like the 1995 black comedy/cult film ‘Things to do in Denver when you are dead’ it is a bit dark. It’s called Judgement: http://vimeo.com/c317productions/judgement

Remember the name Dana Brown. You heard it first here.

Also remember the big digesters. They are awesome.

No. 64: Just made it....

I made it to the airport tonight with (I thought) just enough time to check in and catch my flight to Denver.  Sadly the shuttle bus from the car rental took 20 min to arrive and then another 25 min to make it through the god-awful LA traffic to the terminal, by which time I had checked the American Airlines website and confirmed my flight wasn't delayed, and that it was the last flight to Denver. I was screwed. 

I resigned myself to a night sleeping on the seats in LAX airport. Mentally I drafted the emails cancelling my morning meetings. I walked into the terminal at 922pm. My flight was at 926pm. 4 minutes. Rats. 

As I walked through the terminal door the notice board flashed up a change. My flight had been delayed until 1045pm. I will make it to Denver tonight after all. 

It is going to be 2am when I land, and my hotel is an hour from the airport. That feels like a problem. It’s one I will worry about in 5 hours.

No. 63: ‘Dude, the returns on this deal are, like, totally awesome man….’

Today I am in Los Angeles, searching for exciting water-related investment opportunities. I liken it to a wild boar hunting for truffles in an oak forest. It goes without saying that I am the boar (bore?) and the deals are the truffles. It is hard work snuffling around in the dirt, sniffing out deals, but the tingle of excitement when one come across something new is simply glorious.

My wild boar has just come across a patch of magic mushrooms.

Following a recent change in legislation it is now legal to smoke, grow and sell of marijuana in the state of Colorado. Apparently, growing marijuana is quite difficult. It requires a complex mix of light, heat, nutrients and (crucially) water. Get the balance wrong and the plants won’t grow. Get it right and the yields increase 10 fold.

This change in legislation has resulted in a flurry of entrepreneurial activity. Forward thinking businessmen are racing to construct massive, industrial scale marijuana farms to serve the new ‘retail weed’ market.  

For some time now I have been keen to identify an agri/water investment opportunity. Something tells me this is not it. I am trying to imagine the looks on the faces of my Investment Committee as I outline the marijuana/water deal.

In my mind’s eye I can’t quite see what they are doing…. Oh yes I can, they are signing my leaving card.

No. 62: Dodging Turkey and Talking Rubbish

This week I have had no less than 6 Christmas celebrations. Venues included two Indians, a Thai, and a fish-only restaurant. Turkey has not yet passed my lips. There was even a breakfast at the top of The Shard, and a meal in the bar where Table Tennis was, apparently, invented.

My company has included American Bankers, British Engineers and French Scientists. Conversation has been appropriately varied:

• Debating why London Underground has to inform passengers to ‘Mind the Gap’(American Bankers). Was it, they asked, that the platform builders simply forgot to talk to the train designers? Or did the train designers obtusely think that it would be fun to design trains that didn’t fit?
  
• Discussing whether saving a document on the cloud is more environmental than printing it (French Scientists); I swear it can’t be, but I am struggling to substantiate this. Just saying it loudly, slowly and firmly is not working.  All arguments to support my case gratefully received. I need to win this one. It’s becoming a matter of national pride.
  
• Reviewing (in horrific detail) the delights of all the lap dancing nightclubs in Hong Kong in the early 1980s (British Engineers). I have never been to a lap dancing club and, having now learnt more about their mysteries, never intend to go. Despite this I can’t help feeling that this would make a brilliant specialist subject on MasterMind (a TV quiz for the non-British). I know just the man to sit in the contestants chair!

My week ended with (this evening) my final leaving ‘do’ from Thames Water. In a bar in Reading I got a chance to say thank-you and goodbye to the 100 or so people who worked in Thames Water Commercial. They have diligently carried me for the past few years; they have made me look far better than I deserved. I will miss them all.

No. 61: I promised myself I wouldn't cry. I failed.

Last Friday we had the Thames Water Executive Christmas meal.  It is always a great event but this year it had a special angle; it was also my leaving do. I went prepared for an emotional rollercoaster. I am not good at goodbyes. I was determined not to cry.

The meal was lovely and after the main course Martin Baggs, the CEO, stood up to give a speech. He started with the traditional giving of gifts to the husbands and wives of the Exec. This always goes down well. Mainly because we each give Janet Burr, our HR Director, £50 and she buys the presents, putting substantially more thought into it than any of us do for our main Christmas presents to our loved ones (I know just how terrible thing that is to admit….but it’s true!)

Having sorted the partners he turned to me. This is it I thought. Brace yourself Piers. This is where it is going to get emotional.

He produced a big red book, with ‘A Book of Your Life’ written across the front. Inside was a panoply of photos, press cuttings, and anecdotes from my former colleagues (there was even a poem!) detailing some of the wonderful moments from my 5 years at Thames. As Martin turned the pages, reading sections and telling amusing (and mostly embarrassing) stories I felt a warm glow. My departure was going to be based on funny stories, not sad goodbyes. I was going to be ok.

Having completed the review of The Book, I got ready to give my response. Before I did it became apparent that there were even more gifts for me. This time they were personal. Each Exec member had taken the time to buy a gift that celebrated a particular event:

·         There was a plastic arm to recall when I vigorously shook the prosthetic arm of a one-armed guest to our offices (that memory still makes me shrink with horror).

·         Or the Snowman Onesie to recall Christmas 2013 when I tricked my Exec colleagues into performing a Pantomime at the Quarterly Business Review (they even sang and danced). The full video can be found here: http://sdrv.ms/1cxwBQI.  Its 22 minutes long but it will make you laugh, cry and cringe all at once I promise.

·         Or the fire extinguisher, to recall when my shirt went up in flames (literally) after I leant too close to a candle while at an overnight event. We were chatting away when suddenly flames were flicking up my back. I briefly became the Human Torch (one of the heroes from the Fantastic Four). Fortunately only my pride was damaged and it heals pretty quickly.

·         One of my gifts even included three pairs of pants. One with ‘I’m kind of a big deal’ sprawled across the groin and two (TWO mind!) with the smiling image of Martin Baggs sprawled across the bottom. I am not going to share the anecdote behind these gifts. Sometimes what happens in an Exec Board stays in the Exec Board.

As we came to the end of the gifts I felt an overwhelming sense of love and warmth. I could not believe the efforts my friends had gone to. I was honoured. I prepared myself for my response.

It was then that Martin stated that there was just one more gift. That this last one was the serious gift. Everything else had just been the warm up. This was the climax.

As he was talking Bob Collington was carefully unwrapping something from a bag across the table. As he lifted it from the bag I realised precisely what it was and my heart leapt into my mouth. I simply could not believe it. Could I really be about to receive something as special as this? I am so not worthy!

There in front of me was a genuine piece of water industry history: I was being given a 6 inch segment of elm-wood water main, dating back to the 1700s (see attached photo). These are the sort of things that you put into museums, not give to idiots like me. It had been excavated from Charlton Street in north west London, near Kings Cross. A quick internet search reveals that in the late 1700s this is where Mary Shelly (author of Frankenstein) was born, its where Charles Dickens lived, its where escapees from the French Revolution hung out! This water main is a part of London’s rich history.  How could I possibly deserve such a gift?

The simple answer is I don’t. But through the generosity of my Thames colleagues I am fortunate enough to be the guardian of this artefact. I will look after it dutifully.  

As you can imagine, with this climax there was no hope of me holding it together. I abandoned my planned amusing and light-hearted thank-you, and instead garbled something tearful and stunned. I am not often speechless - after 5 years my colleagues have finally found a way to shut me up.

My time at Thames Water has been magnificent. I feel deeply honoured to have been part of it. I will miss Thames.  I will miss the activities. I will miss serving London.

But most of all I will miss the people.

No. 60: When Piers met Myleen Klass….

Previous Notes have referred when I almost met Kim Kardashian/Kanye West (no 31) and when I almost met President Obama (no 32). This Note recounts when I actually met Myleen Klass.

For the non British readers I should explain that Myleen was a TV talent show contestant back in 2001. She didn’t win but, such as is the way with these things, she still became famous. Her band (Hear’Say) came second, but they enjoyed a (frighteningly brief) period in the limelight before splitting up in 2003 amid claims of inter-band strife.

I met Myleen in her ‘slump years’, in 2005.

Shortly after this she participated in another TV reality show, this time based in the Australian outback where (to the delight of most males in the country) she showered very publically in a skimpy white bikini. I have no idea why this memory is burned into my brain.

She is now back in the news, mainly because she has become a high profile (and surprisingly informed) ‘peoples critic’ of politicians. She has looks, brains and attitude. From my brief meeting with her, she is also truly lovely.

I was meeting with the former CEO of Southern Water, a chap called Les Dawson. For this story to make sense you have to know that Les Dawson was also the name of a famous British 1970s TV comedian. Anyone born after 1980 (as surely Myleen is) would have no idea who Les Dawson the comedian was, let alone Les Dawson the CEO of Southern Water. 

Anyway, Les and I were meeting in a London hotel lobby. As we chatted I became aware that I had lost his attention, Les' gaze was fixed on someone behind me. I turned and there was the lovely Myleen with a couple of her friends. Before I could say anything Les had leapt into action and pressed his hand into hers and was saying enthusiastically  'My names Les Dawson, it really is. I am Les Dawson! Tell her Piers, tell her I am Les Dawson'.

Despite it being abundantly clear that she had no idea who Les Dawson was I, like a fool, simply nodded dumbstruck and chanted 'Yeah, he's Les Dawson. he's Les Dawson'. She smiled her sweetest celebrity smile, shook our (sweaty, clammy) hands and no doubt chalked us up as two typical middle aged fans (and remember, this was before the bikini! Back then we were a far more select group than must follow her today!)

You may be wondering why 9 years after our encounter I tell this story. Following my last Note about Bactest I happened to see the attached press photo of Prof Annie Brooking (CEO of Bactest) and Myleen at an awards ceremony. It took me down memory lane. (For those of you in doubt, Myleen is the one on the left) 

Annie tells me she has hopes that Myleen will do the formal launch of If she does then I'll certainly be there! 

I wonder if she will remember me.....

(Shepherd: It looks after the floccs! Don’t you just love water industry humour…).

No. 59: Push! Push! Breathe...

I love the birthing of a new technology. That moment when all the sweat, toil, tears and sheer hard work finally come together and the 'product' finally takes it’s first tentative steps. We are about to witness it again.

Bactest, the innovative company that a few years ago brought to the water industry a novel portable respirometer (trust me, it's a big deal) is about to launch a new product. The respirometer is called, rather fantastically, 'Speedy Breedy'. The new product is called is Shepherd. Shepherd provides a way of controlling the aeration in an activated sludge plant (trust me, it's an even bigger deal). Get the aeration right and there are copious energy and hard cash savings to be made. 

Trials are underway and results look good. This Note is because there has been a new twist in the story which might speed the birthing process. Bactest have been talking with the boutique investment/advisory firm Decarbon Capital. Decarbon Capital are in the final stages of arranging for the Shepherd trial to be funded externally with the investment being re-paid through the proven energy savings achieved. This will reduce significantly the risk to the water company. It's hard to see what's not to like about this offering. 

Like all expectant mothers, Professor Annie Brooking, the CEO of Bactest has done all the real hard work. Ashley Daffin from Decarbon Capital, like most 'fathers', has an important part but it is somewhat fleeting compared to the work of the mother. My role? I like to think I am the friend who has driven them to the hospital. When I heard about the new Decarbon Capital/Bactest alliance I sent an email to my former senior colleagues at Thames Water to encourage them to grab this opportunity before it passes them by. 

Push Annie, Push!

No. 58: If you are doing the opening speech at a conference….

Today I had the honour of giving the opening speech at the Water Industry Supplier Conference in Birmingham, England. Here are a few things I wish I had known beforehand. Hindsight is a wonderful thing:

1. Timing: If you are giving the opening speech then, here’s a thought, actually be there for the opening. Turning up 45 minutes late is wrong on so many levels. On the plus side having the opening speech as the third talk of the day made for a quirky change. The organisers (WWT) were very gracious. My claim that I was late due to bad weather (it’s England, it’s late November, why was I surprised?) and congested traffic was suitably pathetic. I really should have known better.
   
   
2. Dress Code: How you dress says a lot about you. A few weeks ago I bought some new shoes. They came with (trendy, eye catching) purple laces, which I have been meaning to change. On various occasions I have noted people clocking my purple laces, purple shirt and purple ties and (incorrectly) concluding that I am the sort of man who carefully coordinates his clothing ensemble every morning. I don’t. And I am just a little offended that people think I might be. However this pales into insignificance when compared with the looks I got today from people who spotted my purple laces and how they clashed dramatically with the bright pink shirt I happened to be wearing. Today people were thinking that I am the sort of man who carefully plans his clothing ensemble…and gets it drastically wrong. It was not a good feeling.
   
   
3. Content: My talk was titled ‘Survival of the Fittest: Lessons learnt from the history of the water industry’. Even if I say so myself, it was a great topic. I had enormous fun researching it and was keen to share my findings. I had about 120 fascinating facts and anecdotes. 25 minutes was not nearly long enough to do them justice. As we neared my cut off point I had to be brutal with which stories I could tell and which I needed to abandon. Fortunately I shared a few of my favourites: for example, the fact that in Joseph Browne’s 1707 book he stated that cold baths could ‘cure scrofula, rickets, weakness of Erection and general disorder of the Codpiece Economy’. (I am not even sure what the ‘codpiece economy’ is, but its cold baths for me from now on!). Or the fact that the monks at Canterbury managed to evade the Black Death in 1348. It was initially thought they achieved this because of the power of prayer, which may well have been the case. The 5 primitive settling points and sand filters installed at the monastery probably also helped.

Despite the above, it was a great conference. Networking with likeminded, capable, passionate people is always good fun. Next year I might even turn up on time…

No. 57: What do Hawaiians wear in Antarctica?

It's one of the great questions that anthropologists have struggled with for decades. I am pleased to report that, thanks to Cristina Ahmadpour (Isle's newest recruit in the US) we now have an answer.

Cristina has the truly enviable task of living in both California and Hawaii. What a chore it must be for her, bouncing between these two regions. All that sun, surf, sand, bronzed bodies. It must be sooo hard. However don't feel too envious. All is not perfect for her. Her fiancé, the fantastically named Jarred Roberts (surely the name of an action hero) has left her for 3 months. He has gone to Antarctica as part of an scientific expedition (that’s just the sort of thing heroes do). Aside from the testing of expensive intricate technical equipment they are also charged with answering the challenging question: what does a Hawaiian wear in Antarctica?

The results are in. See attached photo. Jarred is the second guy from the right (even looks like a hero). The guy on the left, in shorts, is from Hawaii.

The best thing about Jarred being away is this means Cristina can now devote every minute of every waking hour to the Isle cause. No excuses Ahmadpour. Get to work. I feel a warm glow inside.

Bet Jarred doesn’t.

(for those of you who are interested in learning more there is a really well written blog on this experiment at http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/expeditions/2014/10/29/neutrinos-on-ice-detection-balloon-heads-to-antarctica/)

No. 56: Goin’ Home!

After 46 meetings in 11 different cities across 6 different countries I am finally heading home.

To those of you who have followed these Notes over the past 2 weeks: Thank You. I know they have been a bit more frequent and full-on than usual. Those who know me well will understand that the increased frequency has been because I am not good at being on my own.

Like most Bright Yellows spending too long in my own company is not good. I need to dilute down the crazy. These Notes are my release.

Normal service will be resumed next week. Have a great weekend.

No. 55: Japanese Karaoke

Yesterday was a long day. Following my night with the East Gipps folk I was up at 530am so I could be back in Melbourne for a breakfast meeting. I then had  back to back meetings all day. Purely by chance, the latest Australian TAG meeting was also being held in Melbourne so at 5pm, having completed my GWD meetings, I headed to the Melbourne Docklands to join the Isle team and the few TAG members who had stayed on for drinks.

It had been a good TAG meeting, with some great presentations and excellent debate. We had three guests (Yang Villa, Reginald Bautista and Dora ‘The Explora’ Gamboa) visiting from Maynilad Water/MetroPac in Manila. They were attending to see how TAG works, prior to the launch of Isle’s newest TAG forum in the Philippines in Feb 15. This being my first meeting with Maynilad Water we decided to go out to dinner together. A local Japanese Karaoke restaurant was booked, the evening’s entertainment was planned…

What a great night. Perhaps it was the Sake, or perhaps it was the great food, but I think it was mostly due to the company. We talked about everything and nothing. Interview techniques, the history of Isle, the history of Maynilad. Dora corrected my miss-pronunciation. ‘It is MYnilad’ she said. Unable to resist, I responded with the cheeky: ‘YOURnilad!’. At which Yang, quick as a fox, said ‘No Piers… OURnilad’. Oh how we laughed.

Discussions rapidly moved on to my Global Water Development role (someone, and I honestly can’t recall who, compared the relationship between Investment Bankers and their investee companies to that of prostitutes and pimps; this is clearly wrong and unfair….although I can’t quite work out who should be most offended - the pimps and prostitutes or the bankers?!). Suffice to say that, somewhat to my surprise, a great opportunity for GWD arose out of our discussions. We were having such fun around the table that we never got to the Karaoke room. Probably a good thing.

As I fell into bed, slightly worried about how I was going to wake in time for my red-eye flight to Adelaide in the morning, I realised my sides ached from laughing so much. It had been a good evening. Philippine TAG is going to be so much fun.

No. 54: Would you like a drink? Tea, coffee or an ice cold beer?

These are the words with which every business meeting should start. Well, every meeting after 2pm at least.

Yesterday. I had the honour of joining the board meeting for East Gippsland Water. The journey had been long and hot, the sunshine intense, the azure-blue sky distracting (How is the weather back in Blighty, by the way?). My ice cold beer was truly welcome.

I should probably point out that it was 4pm, not mid morning.

I was attending the board meeting at the invitation of the MD for East Gippsland Water, Bruce Hammond, to share my experiences, good bad and indifferent, on growing a non-regulated water business. Comparing EG with Thames Water is interesting. EG covers a bigger territory, stretching over some 400km. Thames however serves a bigger population (around 14 million). In EG it is significantly less. Put it this way,  I suspect Bruce could send all his customers a hand-written Christmas card each year, if he so desired.

Readers of these Notes from Thames Water may remember Sarah Johnson. She did a three month placement in Reading a year or so ago, whilst heavily pregnant. Sarah is the company secretary for EG and it was marvellous to see her in action in her 'proper' role, governing the board meeting, keeping everything in check. I even got to meet her gloriously beautiful daughter, who I suspect found the strange man with the odd accent mildly bewildering.

In the evening there was a dinner to which all the other local water authorities and been invited, along with the environmental and governmental regulators. It was awe inspiring to hear how these local utilities are genuinely working together in a  respectful, collegiate and truly positive manner. I gave the after dinner speech, which I confess was little more than a shameless plug for my GWD/Blackstone role (although I did manage to squeeze in anecdotes about speed-dating, raw sewage and syphalis - all of which seemed to go down surprisingly well).

East Gippsland is a 5 hour drive east of Melbourne. I am told it is one of the most beautiful parts of Australia (which is saying something). Yesterday's meeting was not actually held in East Gippsland, but was located a hotel conference suite a mere 2 hours from Melbourne. This was to simplify the logistics for all the visitors to the evening dinner.

Next time I visit this region I am going get myself to East Gippsland. Not just to see the beautiful countryside, but to meet (again) the fantastic people who live there.

No. 53: Jelly Worms

Last time I was in Australia I shared a swimming pool with Kim Kardashian and Kanye West (see earlier Note). Ok, so we weren't in the pool at the same time. Minor point.

I am back in Aus and am sharing the experience with The Rolling Stones, 4 Russian warships and the G20 world leaders. Whilst they discuss world trade, terrorism threats and global environmental issues, I am talking 'water' with anyone who will listen. 

I love Australians. They are so positive and 'can do', generous and constantly open to new ideas. Opinionated and questioning, never afraid to tell you if they think you are talking rubbish, but all done with a straight, honest, smiling frankness. It's a cultural thing that seems to flow through their whole national psyche.  

Earlier this week I tried to change one of my flights between Brisbane and Adelaide, the  two main G20 cities, so security was tighter than usual. The kindly, smily, airport staff told me I had to contact my travel agent as only they could change the ticket. It took an incredible 45 minutes on the phone to make the changes, so long in fact that I missed the flight that I had been trying to catch. 

Was I grumpy? No. It was impossible to get annoyed. The airport ticketing staff had opened a fresh huge (literally 10kg!) bag of Australian Jelly Worms and as I stood listening to the mind numbingly dire Muzak on the travel agent's telephone system we ate worms and generally putting the world to rights.

I hope the G20 folk have Australian Jelly Worms. Everyone should have Jelly Worms.

No. 52: The last 48 hours…

…have been fairly hectic, but there have been some memorable moments:

The most strategically important: Following and introduction by Nada Abubakr (Isle Pty, Australia), I met with the AMG Group. Isle is probably going to partner with them in the Middle East. They love the TAG model and understand how it could bring real change to the local utilities. They are also a potential useful source of deals for GWD/Blackstone. (Visit their web site, each page has a different quote from His Highness Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan al Nahyan. He’s a modern day Oscar W).

The most enlightening: The Abu Dhabi cab driver who expressed fervent anger towards his Muslim brothers who has been ‘gifted money by God’ and then invested it in shopping malls. He drew a clear line between those who had amassed their riches from oil, and people like himself who worked for a living. He quoted the Koran with a scripture along the lines of ‘God will give stupid people money, don’t be surprised when they fritter it away’. Aside from the obvious difference in content, the enthusiasm and passion behind his statements wouldn’t have been out of place in a London cab. It was a nice reminder of home. 

The most embarrassing: This happened whilst meeting with a potential new investee company (ie one we might invest in). Everything was going well. The CEO was enthusiastically describing his business plan and I, along with two local Blackstone colleagues, were listening intently. Along with our coffees they had brought us each our own little bowl of snacks; an eclectic mix of nuts, Ritz crackers, mini Mars and Ferrero Rocher chocolates (honestly, no word of a lie). I absentmindedly popped a nut in my mouth and bit down, only then realising that I was eating a whole hazelnut, shell and all. The loud crack as it broke against my teeth resonated around the room. The CEO paused in his talk to see what I would do. Chew and swallow, or spit and dribble?  An age passed as I weighed my options. I swallowed.

To my surprise, the CEO then commended me, stating that it was good for my lower bowel/digestive system. This is just the sort of thing my dad used to say when he was trying to get me to eat more fibre. For a brief moment I felt like I was 10 again.

This whole investment banker thing really is beyond me sometimes.

No. 51: Quick Quiz: Where would you find the Dubai Airport Hotel?

This morning at 1am local time I arrived in Dubai. It has been many years since I was at Dubai airport and as I weaved my way through security I marvelled at how much had changed. Local importers of marble have clearly had a good few years. It’s a bright clean modern airport.

30 min later I cleared customs and walked out of the Arrivals exit. I started looking for signs to the Dubai Airport Hotel. Eventually I asked a friendly looking local and as she pointed back towards the customs area I felt my heart sink. The Dubai Airport Hotel is actually in the airport, before you get to customs. I spent half an hour trying to talk my way back through security but it was clear I wasn’t going to be successful. Arguably the least helpful suggestion for how I could get to my hotel room was for me to change my next flight to an earlier time so I could check in right away, then once I had the boarding pass I could get through security.

The fact that this approach would mean all the meetings I had planned would no longer happen seemed to be a minor aside.

In the end I booked myself into another hotel and chalked it up as yet another thing I learnt after it was too late.

No. 50: Oh dear…

Today I am 45. To use an Oil and Gas analogy, I have reached ‘Peak Piers’, ie there is less time in front of me than there is behind me. Yes despite this I am feeling pretty good.

As I cycled the 18 miles into central London this morning (that’s a whole Note on its own, detailing the cycle-obsessed mid-life crisis that I now share with thousands of other 40+ Londoners) I considered how lucky I was. I have a shiny new job in the City, great friends, a loving family. I am a very lucky bloke.

In Thames Water when you have a birthday the tradition is that the birthday-celebrant buys cakes for the whole team. In Blackstone/Global Water it’s a little different. At 930am my terrific new colleagues appeared with glasses and a bottle of rather fine, very chilled, champagne. It’s not yet 10am and I have downed three glasses. Feeling a bit tipsy actually. And I have a big celebratory lunch with Jeremy Rudd in 3 hours. I think I Luv him.

My cycle home tonight may be a bit more challenging than I expected.

No. 49: My Movember Moment

Here is a story you might want to skip over. Feel free to just press delete. It’s hard to imagine any circumstance where a story about testicles goes down well but, this being Movember month, I thought I would share it. For the unaware, Movember is an international campaign to raise awareness of testicular and prostate cancer. It involves men (and women? Let’s not be sexist) growing moustaches during the month of November for charity.

My story starts at a recent Bupa health check-up. All was going well until they asked if I wanted to have my testicles checked. Why not, I thought. On went the rubber gloves, down came my trousers. For the next 5 minutes a lady in her late 50s squeezed and prodded in a way that really shouldn’t be allowed. She noted that one hangs higher than the other. This is normal I have now learnt, apparently the left testicle is usually the lower one. Who would have guessed? (I can safely guarantee that every male reading this is, right now, having a quick feel to check themselves).

Anyway my doctor declared that I needed a scan. My right testicle ‘didn’t feel right’. I pointed out it had always felt like that but she wasn’t persuaded. She put on her ‘this is serious’ face and told me I needed a proper scan within 10 days. So last night I found myself at Epsom Hospital.

Here a man smeared some sort of jelly over my balls and then proceeded to spend 15 minutes taking pictures of them with his special handheld ultrasonic device. It’s the sort of thing that I am sure some people pay good money for. Not me. I found myself missing the touch of my earlier older, substantially more gentle, female doctor.

As you might imagine, I made cumbersome jokes about how after four children and a vasectomy 13 years ago I no longer needed them. He didn’t crack a smile. He merely stated that I had hydroseals and cysts. This didn’t sound good. I was briefly worried. He then went on to say that this was typical of someone of my age, that every 45 year old male on the planet had them, and there was nothing I could do about it anyway. He finished by saying that if they ever hurt then they could ‘cut it out’.

I wasn’t sure what his ‘it’ referred to. I didn’t want to ask. I wiped myself down, got dressed and left, feeling like I had be slightly infringed and interfered with.

Somewhere on the servers of Epsom Hospital there are detailed images of my balls. I hope they make good use of them.

No. 48: Swedish Brides

Today I have been in Sweden. Glorious landscapes and beautiful, intelligent people. Seriously, what is there not to like? Even the whole ‘raw fish for breakfast’ thing is actually kooky and interesting, once you get past the urge to retch.

I have been visiting one of the leading Swedish water contracting companies. Those who know the water sector won’t have to think too hard to identify the company. In fact I suspect it will just be my mum who will be in the dark (yes, she subscribes to these Notes, and yes, she duly told me off for the ‘Bonxbo’ Note a few weeks ago). To help her I will give the company name as a Guardian cross-word clue: 5 letters - Take out the ‘u’ and it’s an anagram of a rather unfortunate English word. (something tells me I am in trouble again).

I have known this company for about 20 years, although the last time I met them was back in 2004. They had just been bought by a new investor for the truly staggering price of 1 Swedish Krona (about 8p or 12cents). It was not a high point in the companies 70+ year history. I recall sitting in the office of the new CEO a couple of months after the deal had completed. I asked him how things were going and he blossomed right before my eyes. He said that it had been like walking up the aisle to meet your bride for the very first time, seeing her in her bridal veil, all her secrets hidden. In intricate detail he described how his excitement grew as he gradually undressed his bride, first removing her veil, then unbuttoning her blouse…. With each item removed he discovered something fresh and glorious about his new lady.

It may have been simply how he told the story but I couldn’t help sharing his excitement. He had landed an undiscovered beauty! It was very touching, if a little creepy (I can’t put my finger on it but something has clearly gone awry when middle aged business men discuss the undressing of fictional brides). I shared the above story today when I met with the new management team. They were not surprised.  ‘Ah, that would have been Hans’ they said, with their friendly Swedish smiles.

Hans is still involved in the company, but I didn’t get to see him. Something tells me they don’t let him out much now. Suffice to say that 10 years on the ‘bride’ has become a bit of a treasure. Investors and trade partners are ‘sniffing’ around her, working out whether they want to get involved or not. Tempting though it is to extend the bridal analogy to a mid-life, late-marriage, wife-swapping crisis I feel I should draw a line before I get in trouble with my mum again.

For the record, I would be happy just to be offered any company for a Krona. I would even accept a bit of ugly. If you come across a Swedish Bride, do please let me know.

No. 47: Sir Bob Geldof and I have something in common

Sir Bob and I share a common interest. Apparently he recently claimed every internet search uses as much energy as driving 65 miles. I have spent literally seconds researching this statement and can’t find any evidence that he actually said these words, but it’s clear he has been raising the profile of how much energy the IT industry uses. With us all now storing our data in the cloud there has been a surge in the requirement for massive Data Centres. A Data Centre is basically a giant fridge, filled with bank-upon-bank of computer servers, just so we can all see that photo from our childhood at a touch of a button.

The staggering fact is that around 5% of our total power demand is now used on cooling Data Centres (I spent a bit longer researching this fact, and there is lots of evidence with figures ranging between 1.1% and 10%). It is more than the aviation industry and the water industry combined.

Why am I interested in this?

Well, one of the investment areas we are interested in at Global Water Development is ‘Heating Networks’. These are great in countries like Russia or Scandinavia where the temperature is so cold for large parts of the year that a choir comprised of local brass monkeys would have no problem singing the high notes. They are not so good in countries like the UK where it is just damp most of the time.

Just as I was about to lose interest in heating networks I came across a small but experienced team who are developing plans to take waste heat from incinerators, convert this into ‘cold’ (via an absorption chiller) and then supply this ‘free cold’ to data centres. It might not be a traditional heating network but it’s very, very sexy. Its carbon neutral, can be done on a large scale and has big counterparties (eg Google) that make the project eminently bankable. The team have 4 sites almost ready to go. Sir Bob would be proud, if only he knew.     

My similarities with Sir B don’t end in our shared interest in reducing the carbon footprint of the IT sector. Whereas he was the former lead singer for the hugely successful and richly talented 1970s punk band ‘The Boomtown Rats’, I was the lead singer in a somewhat less successful and very poorly talented 1980s university group, called the ‘The Sex Kittens’ (at the time the name was meant to be ironic but it now just feels silly). Also neither of us like Mondays. We could be twins.

No. 46: Job Titles…again

A few months ago I wrote a Note about my latest (mildly ridiculous) Thames Water job title : ‘Managing Director for Non House Hold Retail (NHHR) and Commercial Director’. People kindly pointed out that it was too long to be practical, that household is actually one word not two, and that if I shortened it to the acronym MDFNHHRACD it would probably mean just as much. I thanked them and moved on. Life was too short.

Now I am at Global Water Development I have a nice simple title: Business Development Director. I like this title. It says what I do. I am a salesman. A rain maker. A door-opener. I create opportunities, build relationships, develop projects….

Not everyone likes this title. People have suggested that ‘Business Development’ says I am not a real power-brokers, that I don’t have any real responsibility, that senior executives won’t take me seriously. They may be right (although I believe the first 2 minutes in a meeting are far more important than what is written on your card).

Alternative titles have been suggested,  including Chief Technology Officer.  (I have always wanted to be a Chief. Do I get a squaw and a tepee of my own?)

I like my Business Development title. I am a salesman and proud of it. Without a good BD person nothing will happen. It’s the most important role, not the least. My job is to open doors that are closed, to make rain fall where there are deserts. I can think of nothing I would rather be right now than a salesman for Global Water Development. It is my calling….

Of course, deep deep down I know that no title can ever beat MDFNHHRACD. A little bit of me misses it.

No. 45: Picasso Sideways….

Today I hosted a visit to Reading Sewage Treatment Works from my new best friends: Mr Mohammed Hannifah, COO for Indah Water, and Brian Allum from International Water Specialists. Indah Water is the national wastewater company for Malaysia. They have 6000 wastewater sites and serve a population of 21 million. It was an honour to host their visit. Mr Haniffah was visiting the UK because he wanted to learn more about international best practices and, clearly, where else would one go. Only at Thames Water?

Well, not quite. He is also visiting a number of other UK water companies.

As we toured the site I learnt a number of interesting things. For example, on English sewage treatment works we talk about Fats Oils and Greases (FOGs). In Malaysia they just talk about Oils and Greases. No Fats. I can’t help thinking this is a poor reflection on our dietary habits. I also learnt, to my shame, that we are currently unable to operate the FOG removal system at Reading (our flagship works?) and thus the site was experiencing various problems with the downstream processes. Somewhat embarrassed I explained that we were having operational issues. Was this a problem that could only happen here. Only at Thames Water?

Well, no. Thankfully Mr Hannifah kindly acknowledged that every works has problems like this, that we are not alone, that it’s good to see the works in ‘true form’. It was very gracious of him.

After lunch we returned to our head office to close out our discussions. My PA, Sarah Jane, had booked us into the new 4^th floor meeting room (looking resplendent with its purple sofas and arm chairs). Overnight our Facilities Management team had put up some new art work. Reconstructions of famous works of art, painted by teams within Thames as part of the team building Transformation exercise. They are quite impressive, as you can see from the attached photo. It’s just a shame that our FM colleagues don’t seem to know which way is UP! Only in Thames Water?

Oh yes. Only in Thames Water. Makes you proud to be British. I particularly love the fact that someone has helpfully added Post Its with ‘Top’, ‘Bottom’, ‘Left’ and ‘Right’ written on them. I am only surprised there isn’t another one in the centre stating ‘This side to be facing the room’

(of course, I can hardly criticize. I can’t even count. As some of you have kindly pointed out, there were two Notes 43 and no Notes 44. Must try harder.)

No. 44: The best 5 hours of the week….

Today I booked some holiday and visited a small business in Haiti. The business is called DLo Haiti and it distributes water to rural communities. Its CEO, Jim Chu, is a truly inspiring man. You should know about him. Everyone should know about him.

First some facts. Haiti is a beautiful Caribbean island, surrounded by deep blue oceans, with white sandy beaches and lush mountain ranges. However since the 2010 earthquake Haiti is a country in recovery. 3000 people a year die of cholera. In rural areas unemployment is above 80%. People hustle to survive. They squeeze out an existence. Haiti doesn’t have the luxury of a water distribution network. In the big cities good quality water is supplied by tanker to street sellers. Outside the cities its frighteningly sporadic. When you can get it, clean water costs $33/m3. That’s 60 times the cost of US tap water. In Haiti, if you are poor you drink untreated well water, which is sold in the streets in 20 litre drums at a lower price than the clean water. Most of the time there isn’t much of a choice. Its dirty well water, or even dirtier canal water. Or nothing.

Jim’s vision for DLo Haiti is to establish a network of ‘water kiosks’. These are basically shops. Shops that sell clean water that has been produced on-site (using RO technology). He has 5 kiosks established already with another 15 planned for the next 12 months. This is not a charity. It’s a business. The water is priced at the same level as the dirty well water, and (crucially) the profit is shared through the supply chain. For the full story see the attached slides.

Jim is obsessed with building the local communities. It starts as ‘just’ a shop that sells water. But by employing locals money stays local. Suddenly the money isn’t going to the water trucking companies in the city. Next the kiosks sell other liquid products: such as milk – from Haitian cows and pasteurised on local Haitian farms. The water kiosk quickly becomes an integral part of the local community infrastructure. And that’s to say nothing of the healthcare benefits.

This approach is truly ground breaking. It is a fundamental shift in how water can be supplied in developing countries. Jim is proving the model in Haiti, but it could apply in many places around the world. Proving that water supply in developing countries can be economically sustainable is vital. Charity projects are great, but they are not a lasting solution. Often when a water pump breaks down (which they always do) no one local has the skills or capital to repair them. This is why most charity funded water pumps lie idle within a few years of construction. Water businesses need to be economically sustainable. And they need to be so deeply embedded into the local community that the community feels they ‘own’ them.

So successful has Jim’s kiosk model been that the locals apparently offered to ‘encourage’ a hotel to buy Kiosk water by setting tyres alight on the hotel front lawn. He wisely persuaded them against this strategy. In my few hours on the Island I got to visit a water kiosk, two resellers, and a local school. The school was particularly telling. 400 students and teachers sharing just under 150 lts of clean water a day. That’s two cups each if you are lucky. Madness. I sweated more than that whilst standing there (It was hot. I don’t have a health condition)

Isle gives a significant proportion of its profits to entrepreneurial businesses in the water sector in developing countries (through a charity we set up called REEF, the Revolving Economic Empowerment Fund). My goal in meeting Jim was to see if they were suitable for support from REEF. And they so are. Anyone who has followed these Notes this week will know it has been fairly manic. Exciting and fulfilling, but manic.

However the 5 hours I spent getting to know Haiti and DLo Haiti were, without a shadow of doubt, the best.

No. 43: Heroes and Villains

Today started badly. I fell out of my hotel bed at 430am to catch an airport taxi. On arrival at the airport I found my flight had been cancelled and I was being re-routed to a completely different airport where I would need to hire a car to complete my journey. It was only when I got to the Hertz desk (at my new airport) that I realised I had left my suit jacket, containing my credit card, in my hotel room back in NY. 

Fortunately I had another credit card with me. After 45 years of losing things - keys, wallets, phones, sense of humour, balance, virginity - I have learnt to always have a spare handy. 

I rang the hotel anticipating a long painful inquisition. After less than a minute I was talking to a fantastic chap. 10 minutes later he confirmed that he had retrieved my jacket and card (AND $75 I had forgotten about!) and would send it straight to me. As my trip still has Miami (tonight) and Haiti (tomorrow) I asked him to send it back to England, again bracing myself for a 'we can't ship it outside the US' response. However nothing is too difficult for Rafael Rosario, the Hero of the Park Avenue Hotel. 

My ultimate destination was a 52 year old (dirty, CO2-belching) coal fired power station where I was to view a new piece of water treatment kit. My host (the villain of this piece) upon hearing that I was a private equity investor, assumed I was anti-environment so peppered the tour with bile-laden references to 'those liberals in Washington', and complained vehemently about legislation to control mercury discharges. I decided to keep quiet about my Environmental Sciences degree. 

It was only at the end of the tour that he said 'Meant to ask at the beginning, my VP wanted me to check that you aren't involved in any environmental advocacy groups?' (Said whilst glaring into my eyes to check I didn't betray any tendencies towards softness or caring). 

Heroes and villains are everywhere. Although to be fair, I think my villain was actually a hero deep down. He has done some spectacularly clever, brave and ground breaking things to clean up his discharges (from his power plant, I can't speak about his personal habits). He may resent those pesky environmentalists but their activities have probably ensured he has a job for the next 20 years or so. And that people like me actually admire him. 

Bloody liberals. 

(And yes, you can have a spare virginity).

No. 42: Bald Man Wisdom

Today I have been hob-nobbing in NYC. I had lunch with the former commissioner for New York DEP (Department for Environmental Protection (basically the ‘Thames Water of New York’). Lovely bloke. Knows all you would ever want to know about the US public water sector. With him was one of his colleagues, whom I shall call Andy (cos that’s his name). Andy was just as knowledgeable but on the private water sector. Between them they were a force to be reckoned with.

As I ploughed my way through my enormous pastrami-on-rye sandwich (containing more meat than any sane person should eat in a month) I felt I should be taking notes. Sadly only one key statement has stuck in my mind. Before I share it you need to know that Andy is bald. Not completely bald, but rather he has that baldness where the top of his head is hairless yet around the edges he still has the virile fulsome growth that could put a teenager to shame…if only it were across the whole of his head. It is the baldness pattern that my grandfather had, my father has and I know I will have in a few short years. My lucky, lucky sons will also no doubt enjoy it too (along with most of the males on the planet).  

As we started talking about the ongoing and ridiculously severe drought in California Andy commented that actually there wasn’t really that big a water shortage. He claims (and I guess he should know) that there is plenty of water but it is just being used by the powerful agricultural sector. He even talked of Californian rice paddies (photo attached). So what were his words of wisdom? They were as follows, and you need to put on a strong NY accent to get the full value:

‘There ain’t no water shortage in California. It’s like my hairline. There is everything you need up there, it’s just all in the wrong place’.

I almost choked.

No. 41: Did you hear the one about the Englishman, the American and the Italian…

No, not the start of a bad joke. This is a story about three enterprising individuals who, in the late 1990s, decided to build a specialist industrial water treatment company. Over a 5 year period they gradually built the business, carefully acquiring a number of smaller companies, nurturing their innovative spirit, guiding them towards success. Eventually they had a business of scale (turnover of £50m) with a great reputation. A German trade buyer made them a juicy offer and they took it.

The Germans decided that it was best to integrate this delicate, some might say glorious, new creation into their big established corporate structure. They sacked the entrepreneurs who had grown the business and made everyone report into the existing German management structure. The business was destroyed within 6 months.

Our cosmopolitan heroes were unhappy. Yes, they had the money from the sale, but their ‘baby’ had been destroyed. They decided to do it all over again. Four years and five neat acquisitions later they have a great business, filled with promise and opportunity. To grow to the next stage they need a financial backer. Preferably one with clout. And deep pockets. And an understanding of the sector. And they need to be drop dead gorgeous. You can see why I was there.

I spent 8 hours today shut in a room in New Jersey hearing about their plans, their hopes, their dreams. They are passionate and dedicated. They are also a bit cautious. They have not forgotten the previous disaster. At the end of the meeting, when I had heard what I needed to hear and fallen just a little bit in love with them, I got to make my pitch: We are not a trade buyer. We don’t have a business we want to fold you into. We just have money, intelligent money. Money that understands the water sector. Money that can help you grow. Money that can put wind under your wings and help your business fly…

I got quite carried away. I think the jet lag may have kicked in. It all became a bit of a blur.

No. 40: Don't be a Bonobo

A year or so ago I wrote a Note in Thames making reference to a new insult I had heard while in Glasgow (thankfully not directed at me personally). I didn't understand it and was delighted to receive many explanations. My favourite was the advice to 'draw a Bell End and use your imagination'. However no matter what I drew I couldn't make it look like my penis. Maybe it's my penis that is a funny shape. Anyway, I have now come across a new insult and I thought I should share.

Apparently Bonobos are very very similar to humans. They are genetically one of our closest relatives. However one doesn't tend to see bonobos in zoos because the males have a habit of touching themselves in a manner that could scare the children, if you get my drift. This trait merely underscores just how close a relative they are to humans. They simply lack the moral compass that tells them such behaviour is wrong. 

So next time you meet someone who's moral code you question feel free to call them a bonobo. They won't understand the insult, but that probably just makes it even sweeter. 

IMPORTANT FOOTNOTE:

Having written the above I decided to add a photo (attached). Reading about them I realised what glorious beings Bonobos are. They are fantastic. According to primatologist Frans de Waal they are capable of ‘altruism, compassion, empathy, kindness, patience, and sensitivity’. To be called a Bonobo would be an honour, not an insult. I apologise for the confusion.

No. 39: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

First a good story: Ryan has had a baby. Well, technically I guess his wife did most of the work, but Ryan’s role was crucial. I have a photo on my phone but it is beyond my meagre IT skills to get this into this email. Zachary Richard Evan, 6lb 14 oz, born on Sunday night. Congratulations Mr and Mrs Evans. If I have done my maths right, this is the 8^th Isle baby in recent years. Not bad for a team of 30. What have you all be doing? (actually don’t answer that, I can work it out).

Now for a bad naming: Yesterday I learnt about a new company that does heat recovery from sewers. I love this idea. Sewer heat represents a massive untapped energy source. However, there are many doubters who (not unreasonably) claim that the temperature differential isn’t big enough and that it increases the risk of sewer blockages. They claim that the companies doing this are just snake oil salesmen trying to persuade people to buy their dodgy invention. It doesn’t help that this new company is called Sharc. (‘We are going to need a bigger boat…sorry, sewer’)

Finally an ugly truth. I sit on the UK Water Innovation Leadership Group. This group involves the great and the good from Defra, Ofwat, British Water etc. Not quite sure why I am there. To look pretty I think. A year ago the committee decided it would be good to create a web-site that captured all the various R&D activities that are undertaken in the UK water sector (by water companies, supply companies, universities etc). I had my doubts about this project. It would be impossible to gather coherent info, and even if we did it would be out of date almost instantly. However we placed a contract and the project was off and running.

A year on we have a web site with almost no data of any value on it. Over the past year 15 people have visited the site, spending an average of 20 seconds. In yesterdays’ meeting there was a half-hearted attempt to spin this unmitigated disaster as a positive story. A few of us strongly resisted, pointing out that if ever there was a time to knock this on the head it was now. That to perpetuate it was to waste both our time and our precious resources.

However to make this bold, hard, decision would be to show some backbone. It’s sometimes just too easy to continue with bad ideas. I fear the ugly truth is that committees, which are surely designed to have the collective power of many brains, are actually worthless. Compromise isn’t always the right answer.