For the past 49 years I have effortlessly avoided Burns
Night. I was aware of its existence but, being based in London, there is not a
much call to partake in a Scottish-centric celebration focussed on (arguably)
the most famous Scotsman ever, Poet Robert ‘Rabbie’ Burns. Burns Night just
wasn’t part of my whirlwind social calendar (a hectic nightly schedule of
eating chocolate in front of Netflix). This year things changed. This year my
wife Stella and I were invited to the annual Northumbrian Water Burns Night
celebration. The invite stipulated Highland Dress.
This presented my first challenge. I have a standard dinner
jacket which I wear to various back-slapping events throughout the year. Like
most DJs, it is too big and makes me look like an oversized penguin. That said,
it is at least a straightforward piece of attire and it takes less than 2
minutes to put on. The most complicated it gets is with the addition of a
cumberbund, which I have always regarded as a silly piece of clothing designed
simply to make fat men thinner and one I have therefore resolutely refused to
wear. Highland dress however is a completely different matter. There is
obviously the kilt (which I initially wore backwards until the nice Hire Shop
man pointed out, in a tone of voice that suggested he thought I wore skirts
more frequently than I actually do, that the pleats should be at the back).
Then there is the sporran (why they don’t just put pockets in the kilt is
beyond me), garters, a little dagger that you tuck in your knee-high socks, a
waistcoat, a top-jacket, a bow tie, a special kilt-pin AND a pair of
unique kilt shoes which have the most complex laces you can possibly imagine.
The Hire Shop man was just as flummoxed as I when it came to how to do up the
laces (not quite so clever now Mr I-Know-How-To-Wear-a-Pleated-Skirt, eh?!).
Thankfully Mr Google provided the answer. One of the marvels of the modern day
is that there are internet chat rooms for literally every kind of need.
You can admire my handiwork in the attached photo.
Before I am accused of cultural miss-appropriation I would
like to point out that I am 1/16th Scottish. Clark is a proud
Scottish name (‘Clarke’ is English). My nasty nasal East-London accent
aside, I felt I had enough highland blood coursing through my veins last night
to wear my Highland Dress with pride. (That said, only a true 100% Scot would
find the chaffing that comes from wearing a rough tartan kilt and a sporran
something that they don’t regret the day later).
The event was held at a multi-award winning venue on the
edge of Kielder Reservoir. This is an awe inspiring location, just a few miles
south of the Scottish border. It is undoubtedly one of the most beautiful parts
of the UK (it also happens to be the darkest sky location in Europe). As it
happens it has been a location I have wanted to visit for 8 years. Back in 2011
I had a job interview with Heidi Mottram, CEO for Northumbrian Water. Back then
she was relatively new in post and was pulling together her new team. In the
interview I asked her (slightly cynically I suspect) to tell me about one of
the publicly stated company values: ‘Ethical’. I was keen to hear how she would
turn this lovely aspirational goal into something that a modern corporation
could credibly claim as their own.
Without hesitation she talked confidently and passionately
about the Northumbrian Water holiday cottages, situated around Kielder
Reservoir. These cottages were, she claimed, the epitome of Ethical behaviour.
Through maintaining these cottages NWL was ensuring that this incredibly rural
and remote part of the country had local employment and a thriving healthy
community. Her answer was inspiring (Heidi always is). I didn’t get the job but
since then I have wanted to see this facility for myself. Last night I did.
Stella and I stayed in one of the spectacular cottages (think Centre Parcs…just
1000 times better), it had the perfect balance of ecological sensitivity and
heart-warming comfort. No wonder it is something of which NWL staff are rightly
proud.
My first Burns Night involved numerous toasts, lots of
songs, some lovely speeches and lots and lots of dancing. I even got to
spend time with one off my childhood heroes, Olympic runner Steve Cram who now
organises the annual Kielder Marathon around the reservoir. Of all the ‘facts’
I learnt about Rabbie (including that he sired 12 children and died at 37, I
assume of exhaustion) my favourite is that Bob Dylan cites him as a major
influence. As the night became day and the party transformed from a structured
celebration into a frantic, glorious disco (aficionados of early noughties
dance please note blog title!) this fact felt particularly resonant.
My most popular blog (measured by the number of hits) was no
169 back in September 2017. It was entitled ‘The Bravest Water Utility in the
World’, and I shared a story about Wannon Water in Victoria, Australia. I
think Northumbrian Water deserves a similar title. The Most Ethical Water
Company? Probably. The Most Environmentally Conscious? I suspect so. The Most
Fun to Spend a Night in a Kilt With! Undoubtedly.
