No 115: A Toilet Paper Mystery Solved

Over the past few years I have collected a variety of (interesting) facts about toilet paper. I should perhaps clarify that I did not actively search for these facts, as that would be weird. Instead they merely stuck to the inside of my head (and that’s not weird at all).

For example, soft tissues were not invented until 1936. They were initially advertised ‘for gentlemens’ noses’. I assume this was because the strap line ‘Wipe you bum on this’ would have upset pre-war sensibilities. Such was the luxury of toilet paper that it was initially only sold at Harrods in London.

Up until 1957 you could have any colour you liked, as long as it was white.

Prior to 1936 paper was simply regarded too precious to use for sanitary purposes. The rich used linin sheets and these were washed and recycled. The poor used leaves or newspaper (junk mail is apparently called ‘bumf’ because it was bum-fodder). You think your job is bad? Pity the poor soul who had to wash the linin sheets.  

There are some ‘facts’ that I find suspicious. For example, the claim that American toilet paper is thicker and more luxurious than European paper because ‘Americans are scrunchers, whereas Europeans are folders’. The logic behind this statement feels questionable. One can’t help but wonder how they did their research. Did they undertake a big international survey asking joe-public how they wiped their bottom? I think not. I could just as validly conclude that US toilet paper is thicker because Americans prefer a little bit more luxury.

Or maybe they have sharper fingernails.

Anyway, aside from the paper thickness there was always one ‘fact’ that truly bugged me. Until now that is.  This was the claim that we use on average 11.5 sheets a day. It just didn’t seem enough. Based on the amount we get through in our house 11.5 rolls per day would seem more accurate. I have begun to suspect that my children are taking them from our home and selling them at university to supplement their income. A little bit of me is proud of their entrepreneurial spirit.

Anyway, I have been on holiday this week and have been reading the excellent ‘Future of Water’ by  Steve Maxwell (with Scott Yates). I was kindly sent a copy by Randy Cable at IXOM and I had dipped in and out over the past few months. It has only been while on holiday that I have been able to properly immerse myself in it and, much to the delight of my family, share the swathe interesting facts that it contains.

With regards toilet paper there are two such facts. Firstly that American toilet paper is mostly still made from virgin paper-pulp. European paper is mostly (>90%) recycled. One can only assume that the US public think recycled toilet paper means it is actually recycled toilet paper. Duhh.  Secondly, I have learnt that the average usage is around half a roll per head per day (based on the number of rolls sold and the population of America). This fact makes me want to weep, but it does at least resolve the ‘11.5 sheets per day’ dilemma that had been annoying me. Finally I can let my mind rest.

By the way, I have a similar collection of fascinating facts about sanitary towels. The inside of my head really is rather sticky…

Happy holidays,

Speak soon

Piers, (proudly a Scruncher, despite being European) 

No 114: Innovative but silly; Annoying and sillier; Visionary but silliest.

Innovative but silly: The 4 year drought in California is driving some truly innovative approaches to water saving. The latest idea is to install 100million ‘shade balls’ on one of the largest reservoirs in Southern California (see attached). The opaque balls will not only decrease water loss through evaporation but will also help control algae blooms and cut down on contamination via bird droppings. It is an inspired approach and should be applauded.

But turning a reservoir into a something that resembles the world largest ball-play-pit does seem mildly silly.

 Annoying and sillier: I have long since suspected that my iPad had a personality of its own, I now have clear evidence that it is not only sentient, but that it also has a plan to destroy my (already shaky) reputation. Every email I send from my iPad is no longer delivered under the heading ‘Piers Clark’; instead it now arrives under the title ‘Holidays in the UK’. I have no idea why. Perhaps it thinks that since I have left Blackstone this is all I do. If/when I manage to work out how to correct it you can expect all my future emails to arrive with the declaration ‘Piers, Lord of All’.

• Visionary but silliest: As further clear and irrefutable evidence of my iPads plan to slowly but systematically unravel me it has recently taken to automatically spellchecking the word ‘desert’ to ‘’dessert’. You may feel this is a minor problem but following the recent launch of the Nevada Centre of Excellence (see Note 111) I have been in fairly regular email comms with people at the Desert Research Institute.
• 
  
• To date they are being very understanding, and there have even been suggestions that pudding investigations could represent a new and lucrative emerging market for them. It is, after all, Bake Off season.

Spotted Dick anyone?

No 113: Claim to Fame (Dutch style)

In a quiet, leafy, residential suburb of Amsterdam, just 20 minutes from Schiphol Airport stands a former recording studio. It is a quirky building, somewhat out of place with its surroundings, yet in its heyday it hosted stars such as Tina Turner and Sam Cook. Today it is the offices for Isle’s business in The Netherlands. I love that the building has this iconic musical history. Today, to my celebrity-starved delight, I learnt an even better story to feed my craven desire for abstract claims to fame.

On the walls of the office are pictures of the various artists who had frequented the studio (see attached). The image of one particularly glamourous lady caught my eye and I asked Igaz Worm (the Head of Isle’s Central European business) who she was. He informed me that she was Patricia Paay, a former famous Dutch pop star and glamour model. Her career spanned 4 decades and involved music and TV, as well as tabloid media. With a slightly wistful look in his eye Ignaz recalled how she had been one of the singers in a 1980s group called the Dolly Dots. In 1984 she was the first glamour model to pose in the Dutch edition of Playboy. In 2009, when she was 60, she once again posed for Playboy. That’s got to be a pretty unique record.

To my mind, this alone serves as an interesting fame-related anecdote (I have a low threshold), yet there is more…

Ignaz’s wife, Else runs a vet clinic in Amsterdam. A few years ago when the business was getting established Ignaz helped raise their profile by handing out flyers on the street. One of the passersby was Patricia and a few days later she rang the clinic to arrange a consultation. Unaware that Ignaz was merely Else’s husband she asked specifically whether the ‘tall, blond, handsome man’ would be available. Ignaz tells this story with more than just a small amount of pride.  

Thus my claim to fame is that I know someone who caught the eye of a Dutch glamour-model-cum-pensioner, of which few people outside The Netherlands will ever have heard. For those of you who feel this is a petty and pathetic claim to fame I have but one thing to say: Jealousy is such an unattractive quality. For those of you who are suitably impressed, feel free to now claim that you also know someone who knows someone who once caught the eye of a Dutch glamour-model-cum-pensioner…

Enjoy watching people gasp at how well connected you are to the throbbing heart of modern popular culture.